#grounded: a blog series [days 6-10] What is time?

Hey all you Cool Cats and Kittens – another Carol B here just checking in to see how you are all holding up?!

It Is Friday the 10th – my last blog series check in was 5 days ago. I literally have no idea where the time went. 

So much has happened this week and then also nothing at all.

This week has been a gauntlet of emotions and sometimes when that happens it really is hard to put things into words. There are moments when it feels like there isn’t really much to say – and then days where I can’t stop the chatter.  IMG_9267

Here is the thing – I work for a fairly large well known company and I am technically on a leave. Now instead of learning my fate from my company I am learning my fate while watching the news or learning from other people sending my articles. So while we are all going through similar things – my work thing is very public and lots of people not related to my company are talking about it. Today it just seems like it is a lot to take in. 

I feel like I am mentally preparing for a plan B – I can’t decide what that plan b should be. Do I go to journalism school? Do I get certified to teach in Canada? Do I plan to go and teach abroad? Do I even want to do that? Hard to plan when you don’t know what the fate of the world is going to be. 

Anyway here is 20 things week I have done this week:

  1. Successfully avoided publishing anything I wrote because I couldn’t get my thoughts sorted and organized.
  2. Cracked off the remaining 7 gel nails – my hands are looking fucking stellar.
  3. Purchased 4 containers of super colorful hair dye – still looking for gloves so I can dye my hair without dying my hands. 
  4. I just turned the heel on the sock I am knitting – pretty soon I will have a pair.
  5. Looked on the Government website at my tax forms. Did nothing with said forms.
  6. Drank coffee in a parking lot with my friend at a socially distant appropriate distance.
  7. Logged into my Arbonne site and then did nothing with it. Thought about doing things but then did nothing.
  8. Got really into Ozark – because what a crazy fucking ride that shit is.
  9. Cleaned my room, put on candles, made a mess, burned out candles
  10. Read books, meditated and did that again. 
  11. Wondered when I was going to start feeling the way other people are feeling all overwhelmed and shit.
  12. Tried on every one of my toques.
  13. Drove up to Nose Hill more than once to have coffee in my car.
  14. Drank a lot of fizz  (Honestly if no one has given you any of these to try – please let me know they are so damn good  – they are going to replace my Diet Coke addiction)
  15. Drank a lot of tea – all the tea, daily tea
  16. Been in denial about the amount of coffee I am drinking.
  17. Drank a lot of smoothies.
  18. Did some at home workouts – kickboxing, Beachbody and super long river walks.
  19. Made an appointment to get the drivers side door handle fix on my car, and the running light that burnt out months ago
  20.  …. really assessing my life – I have had time to look in and dig deep and consider so many things. Who really knows where this journey is taking me but I have all the time in the world to figure it out. 

 

That is what I have been up to the last few days #grounded. My emotions are raw. My mood is good and bad and good and bad and mostly I feel very hollowingly lonely and single. And that is just where I am at.

 

How is your week going?

Sunday Poetry Slam; Hear Me

When I was in University writing was my life. I took as many creative writing classes as they would let me. I don’t write the same way as I used too. Maybe because the world has changed.  But about a month ago I found a bunch of CDR’S with my old writing on them. I ripped the files onto my computer but just the title of some of them made me scared to wake the beast. I wrote a lot about how drugs made the world better. I wrote a lot about dealing with my family, depression, anxiety, running away, freedom. I was questioning life a lot. I was also a stoner. So what can you do?! Anyway – way back in the day I wanted to publish a book of poetry. I used my creative writing classes to work on my poems – so I thought I would publish here some excerpts of the young Carols life.


 

Hear me shouting

Hear me laughing

Hear me crying

Hear me walking

Hear me running

Hear me as I speak with you hear me as you understand

Hear me in all my silence

Hear me raise my hand

Hear me slumped over the table

Hear me in the corner

Hear me as I fall and hear me as I hurt

Hear me, but don’t command

Hear me through all my pain

Hear me in the joy

Hear me it’s what I need

Hear me

I hear you


 

It is funny how easy it is for me now to analyze what young Carol was thinking but how at the time I thought I was being so evasive. I was just as normal as everyone else, I just didn’t know how to deal with normal emotions. Once I go through all my poems I will start throwing down some new work.

Happy Sunday,

XOXO

C

Sunday Poetry Slam

When I was in University writing was my life. I took as many creative writing classes as they would let me. I don’t write the same way as I used too. Maybe because the world has changed.  But about a month ago I found a bunch of CDR’S with my old writing on them. I ripped the files onto my computer but just the title of some of them made me scared to wake the beast. I wrote a lot about how drugs made the world better. I wrote a lot about dealing with my family, depression, anxiety, running away, freedom. I was questioning life a lot. I was also a stoner. So what can you do?! Anyway – way back in the day I wanted to publish a book of poetry. I used my creative writing classes to work on my poems – so I thought I would publish here some excerpts of the young Carols life. My palindrome on life.


 

Who says there need be some Justification for life?

Bothered– like a scorpion sting in the night

The feeling meanders over time

Elusiveness, daunting – menacing, growing and moving on

The knowledge and unworthiness presented in panic

Incapable of succeeding

The trepidation that life won’t come together

I hear the condescending tone

Life taking the turn

The willingness to give in

 

The willingness to give in

Life taking the turn

I hear the condescending tone

The trepidation that life won’t come together

Incapable of succeeding

The knowledge and unworthiness presented in panic

Elusiveness, daunting – menacing, growing and moving on

The feeling meanders over time

Bothered-like a scorpion sting in the night

Who says there need be some Justification for life?

 


 

1 Step Back, 5 Steps Forward!

Confession: I had a slip up and bought things that I shouldn’t have …

Gawddamn!!

Here is what happened:

I made a budget. I schooled that bitch. I went super fucking old school and started writing everything I spend in this notebook (note: notebooks should be on my no-buy because I have a back stock of journals – that can be for a no-buy amendment). It is pretty detailed. By day, by receipt, a full week spread. At the end of the week it is totaled into categories so I can accurately track my spending. Last week I made a list of everything I pay for each month included bank fees, CraveTV etc  … It is everything,  everything that leaves my account – I went as indepth as I could and I actually adjusted it for a few days because I kept being reminded of things to add. Then I listed my paydays, 4 per month, the amount they are and then assigned certain bill payments to each pay day. Leaving me with x amount of money for food and entertainment. Pretty basic stuff. But I needed to make sure I have money for food, entertainment – random spending.

Anyway – Tuesday came. Payday #1 on the new plan. This pay period I had a couple of sick days, so it wasn’t a full payday. My work also didn’t pay me for a chunk of December so I got behind with some student loan payments. Already the budget is going to be tight because my payday is a bit less and I need to squeak in an extra National Student Loan payment (the big one).  I have to try and catch up so that when I go to apply for interest relief I get approved again. I digress. I paid all the bills aligned for this pay period. Most of my payday was eaten up. Right on track, right?! Then Tuesday night I had to go and run some errands including a doctor’s appointment. The clinic ended up being closed so I went onto my next errand. Lush. And, friends, this is where I came unglued. I went in for face lotion which I actually ran out of – it was on my errand list, buuuuuut 75$ later and a new body wash in tow I was headed to the bookstore. Thank fuck I stopped myself before a book buying bender. Then to top it all off last night when I was working we got this new pretty coral mug in stock and I was like – I must have it & I bought it. Jesus motherfucking Mary of spending breakdowns and its only week one … this shit is gonna be a challenge!

Truth, I can’t even make this self sabotage up!

I thought I would share my lessons here:

  1. I realize that when I work a lot sometimes I feel like I have earned things. Because I don’t go out that much I feel like I  am allowed to treat myself to other things. Mugs, lotions, thrifting, ebooks  … things. I need to get better at doing other things. Cue pinteresting a million list of things you can do that don’t cost money!
  2. Just because I slipped up doesn’t mean I have screwed myself over, this is a learning process and we all fuck up.
  3. I am thankful my freezer is full because my grocery budget is pretty tight for the next week. One slip up shouldn’t derail EVERYTHING in my budget.
  4. Always shop with a fucking list & only buy what is on the gawd damn list.
  5. I am going to need to continue to buy things I like from time to time because when I give myself a hard no, that’s when I fall off the bandwagon. It’s like when you tell yourself you’re on a diet then eat an entire container of cashew ice cream! New thought: I chose to spend my money on debt repayment.

 

How do you curb your spending? Tips or Tricks – let me know in the comments!

xoxo,

C

PAUSE.

Since sometime before my trip to Iceland in early November I have been feeling a little overwhelmed with everything in my life. Not in a ‘I quit and want to run away’ kind of way but in a growing, learning, need to restructure kind of way. Now as we roll into the festive season I have come down with one of those gnarly head colds that takes over your life. The kind that makes socializing seem entirely impossible and makes you want to stand in a hot shower for hours on end. I am that kind of sick. It has been making me feel like I need to take a big step back from all the jobs, blogs, vlogs and such and just reevaluate where I want to put all my time.

I need a pause.

Yesterday I was reading some online bloggery about goals and time management and how we can only feasibly work on so many big projects a year. We need to pick the most important ones and  make a master plan of monthly goals, weekly goals and daily goals in order to achieve success for the year.  My problem is that I have too many project on the go and they all mean the world to me, I want to be perfect at all of them. See success in all of them – how is one supposed to really just pick 2 things. Right?!

2016 or 2017 goals, reflections – all that crazy jazz you “supposed” to think about this time of year… Being sick and the end of the year – it is just making me think I need a gawd damn break. I have been working full tilt since I move to Edmonton. 2 jobs, plus creative outlets, conventions and then stressing that I have no time for anything else. I think this time of year you just need to hit pause, see how far you have come, what you can do to make things better, what you need to weed out, who you might need to weed out and just focus on all the amazing accomplishments you make in your life. Pause isn’t a bad thing. Pause is just a time to reflect so moving forward can be more successful, more brilliant and more of exactly what you want.

I am saying that even through I am working straight through Christmas this year, I am sick as a dog and am at my full time job because I need to money to pay my rent and bills. I write this from my work office desk, on a full blown dayquil binge, and after 32oz of caffeine … thinking to myself, why have I extended myself so bad that I need to work when I am so sick. I am learning I need to be better at hitting pause and taking care of myself. I need to stop feeling guilty for not doing things and living up to unreasonable expectations I put on myself. I am writing this because I think there are a lot of people out there that forget to give themselves a break. Forget who they are in the blanket of hurry, and money and bills and life – when we all just need a moment to chill the fuck out, be thankful and be gawddamn grateful for everyone in our lives.

So this is me telling you this Holiday season –  to remember to take a moment to pause and reflect and realize that your are a bomb ass person who is achieving your goals. You are awesome. And even Awesome people need a break sometimes.

Manifesting Amazing

There are a myriad of people on your life journey. In this particular instance (that of manifestation) there are two types; those that believe they can manifest things and those that don’t. I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking, truly believing that you are worthy of something and then letting the universe just take care of the rest of it.

I BELIEVE YOU CAN MANIFEST GREATNESS INTO YOUR LIFE!

About two months ago – I was trying to decide if I thought moving would be the best decision for me. I put it out in the universe that I wanted to live in a certain area of the city, in a certain style of apartment, for a certain price. Yesterday, the universe delivered. I believe the universe took care of my request. I set my intention and settled for nothing less. I have noticed that being clear minded and using my intuition has been a tool that, when used properly, allows me perfectly predict or clearly know and understand things that are going to happen. It has really has been the last year or so that I truly believed in my own abilities to ask, believe and receive the things that I truly want.

So on the daily I have a reminder on my phone to just be awesome, accept abundance and just be in the moment. I remind myself to take time to really think about what I want. And to be clear with myself and the universe the things that are important to me. I spent the 10 minutes to reinforce my beliefs in myself and my abilities.

There are a lot of moments we need to be reminded to be awesome, love yourself, love what you do, create amazing things, dream big, go after your dreams, find that thing you really want to do and actually go for it and trust that you are talented. Maybe I just need these reminders but everything wonderful happens from believing you, yourself, is capable.

There are far to many people that are completely satisfied with a mediocre life which really means there is less competition for the ‘A game’. So I think it is within reason to leave the none believers to play for the mediocre prize while we all play in the bigger, more scary, yet more rewarding pool that has far less competition.

I didn’t just arrive here over night – I read books. I read the Secret, Ask and it is Given, the Vortex, You can heal your life,  I watch Abraham Hicks on YouTube. I see all the 1000’s of people that have created business’ by blogging, writing, vlogging, dj-ing – People that have created companies that run all sorts of wonderful things that they are super passionate about. There are so many creative ways to sustain yourself and live the life that you want without being confined by Monday to Friday, 9-5pm or working your ass off doing two jobs. I think if it it doesn’t feel like work you have found your happy place. I am not saying it won’t take work to get there, heck I work two jobs but I am on the path to achieving.

The key to getting more is figuring out how to make it happen. Surround yourself by people that encourage you to be a better, faster, smarter person. I work my ass off to become a better person every day, endlessly trying to be better, create an audience, I ask the universe for abundance and trust in the process, the writing, the dreaming and the acting.

 

What is it that you really want from this journey? from your life? You only have so many years. How are you going to get it? Why settle for nothing when you can create something?!

I would love to hear from you – are you a believer in the law of attraction, manifestation and creating your own destiny?

 

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