Feeling Guilt About Unemployment?

Me too!

I was furloughed from my airline way back in March. I have tried a few times to look for work but nothing has really panned out. I don’t get calls back and recently in a pretty emotional conversation with my therapist I realized it was mostly rooted in GUILT!

Interesting right?

The thing is – I am not struggling, I am just not getting ahead. For many years I have put aside my creative mind to work jobs that I haven’t entirely been happy with because I needed the money. And because of that I haven’t had the time to pursue my passion projects.

So instead of looking for a job I realized that I could spend my time working on my creative endeavours and still sit comfortably in the situation I am in.

I realized I could have a gym routine.

I could try and have a healthy eating routine.

I could switch to mostly decaf.

I could spend time taking photos and making videos.

But when I do all of that I have a nagging guilt that I should be doing more. I should be contributing more to society. I should, I should, I should …

But at the end of the day I need to look out for me and my wants and needs.

Are you furloughed and struggling too?

Why can’t we just be okay with what we want to do? Why do we care what other people think of the choices we make?

I am a sensitive bitch and I care what people think – but actually I think I care too much.

I am learning a lot about myself during this master mess of a year. I am learning that I do a lot of things that other people like and have yet to really figure out what it is that I like.

I am learning that I am allowed to want different things at a different age. I am learning that my wants and needs have changed. I am learning to say no. I am learning to tell people when they are being shitty. I am learning to stand up for myself and my needs.

And, you should too!

There is nothing more empowering than being confident in your decision to do whatever makes you happy.

Because of many years in a bad financial situation I never took the time to develop my own hobbies and interests. And I never took the time to really work on the things that I thought were interesting. I would see people online doing stuff and really understand the privilege that they didn’t see.

I am not suggesting that you should be using this year to build a social media presence or build a brand and build a business – but I am suggesting that if you are at home and not working and have no idea what to do … it might be a good time to look within and figure out things you are passionate about OR work on some of the passion projects guilt free.

Today I sat down with you on YouTube and ate some nachos and really talked about all my scattered thoughts.

I talked about changes in aviation. I talked about wanting to use my travel benefits before they ran out. I talked about wanting to buy an adventure vehicle (and the cost). I talk about my dream to overland to Patagonia. I talked about depression and all sorts of stuff – really I laid into you about all the things I think about with all this free time.

And now I am here trying to figure out how to turn my dreams into a reality. Wouldn’t it be great to just have one massive dream come true?

You can watch it here (don’t forget to hit the subscribe button)

So if you are just out there feeling like I am feeling all guilty and shit – guilty for having free time that you earned after busting your butt for years to get here – I get you, I feel you and I am here for you.

You are allowed to do what you need to do to make you happy. If that means staying home and working on your YouTube or Blog or Sewing or whatever; I am here to say …

I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO GET IT DONE AND JUST BE.

Today is Strange.

I am literally having the strangest day ever.

Let me paint the picture for you:  It is about 430pm on a Monday – I am sitting in my car – a 2013 FIAT 500 2 door, hatchback – in Nose Hill Park in Calgary, overlooking the city – it is a pretty nice fall day.  I am anxious as fuck. I woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to write or create or something like that, mostly I just felt like I needed to get outta the house. It is hard for me to be in my own home (to be clear by own home I mean the room I rent in Calgary that is literally just a room rental). I left my house twice with my laptop thinking I wanted to find a café to drink a tea and finish a post I was writing about getting my finances in order. But I left both of those places feeling … off. And now, strangely enough, here I am, parked in my car with a beautiful view –  with my laptop, writing in my car.

I feel suffocated.

I feel so suffocated that I need to roll down my window in a dusty wind situation.

I have been feeling suffocated a lot lately. I am feeling that – plus unsure and not knowing. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I am eating my feelings one bag of NoName Sour Cream & Onion chips at a time. I am literally filling my body with swill. Every time I look in the mirror I make a comment in my head about my weight and how I look. I feel gross. It is like I stopped caring but I haven’t – like I have given up but I haven’t … I dunno what is going on in my head but here I am sitting in my car looking at the changing fall leaves feeling like something big is about to happen. I can feel it.

You know for a long time in life – I really used to think there was no harm in believing you were better than you were. Growth, you know. But as I approach my 40th year around the sun  I think it might be time that I take a different approach. Less dreaming, more reality. One time someone asked me if I still believed I was going to have a charmed life – he knew his life would be mediocre – at the time I didn’t realize that I was the very thing I hated. I believed I was better than I was, entitled to more than I am and was so gawd damn obtuse about it I didn’t know I was thinking it.

The winds of change have arrived.

The thing I am learning all the time is to feel less guilt and feel less shame and learn to feel more happiness, freedom and strength. I am a master of self help reading but not a master of self help doing.

I used to be an all-in kinda lady. Like if I was going out and getting fucked up – I was coming home the most fucked up, if I was getting high I was getting so gawd damn high I couldn’t keep my eyes open – like the kind of high that people worried about you (Gawd I miss that). There was no just have one beer or two. It was all or nothing. Then I spent a long time being a nothing gal. Recently I have decided I want to be a half in Gal. Somewhere along the way t become a better human I forgot that humans need to have fun. Then I realized I forgot what fun was like. I realized that I have become a hermit.

Anyway, sitting in my car I realized how great it would  to actually go after one of my big dreams. for example – I have wanted to rebuild the interior of a van to live and work in. I have been dreaming of the tiny living for sometime. Instead of committing to a sprinter van and a permanent van home – maybe I can commit to a caravan and weekend warrioring. See what I am getting at – I set my bar to high and then get sad when I don’t achieve it.

I have an end of year move thought lingering in my head, a huge debt repayment happening and then things will begin to shift. I am ready.

Self reflection, Friends, it is a part of growth. It is needed. In whatever strange way to let it happen. For me, today, it is sitting in my car on the top of a hill, writing out my feelings. Thanks for coming along of the journey.

Where are you at in your goals for 2019? Are you making things happen??

xoxo,

C