I can’t stop thinking about this the last little while. I don’t know what is wrong with me. It is like I have lost all sense of self worth. I keep replaying that conversation in my head from 10 years ago when someone I was close to said to me: “I see you still think you are going to have an amazing life, I have realized that I will just live a mediocre life” … it stung. Like I lived in this hopeless dream world and that I would amount to nothing. So I often wonder – am I trying too hard to be something I will never be? Should I just settle in my life realizing that I will never have things I really want?
See a couple days ago a super good friend of mine told me I care too much about paying off my student loans and that I should pay the minimum and move on. I didn’t say anything at the time but I totally disagree. But then I realized I reek of poverty. I always have. My money stress is written all over my expression and my anxiety and my everything.
I feel vomit brewing in my throat and a slow nausea forming over my body – realizing how poor you really are is terrifying – but necessary to grow out of it, grow from it – build.
I just want my fucking break. I just want the universe to give me a goddamn break and stop making everything so fucking hard.
That was me a few months ago – feeling stressed. Today I decided to clean out my drafts folder on my blog. Most of what I was reading was me talking about how I don’t want to do this life anymore. But I promised myself that I needed to be at my full time job for at least 2 years. I promised myself I wouldn’t find a new job until I got my wisdom teeth out.
But a couple of weeks ago I finally did it, I finally got my wisdom teeth pulled – and while I was in my T3 Coma a job interview application can through that has provided me an offer that would start at exactly my 2 year mark at full time job. Is that a sign? I asked the universe for a sign and she delivered.
I had been putting off getting my bottom two teeth out for almost 10 years. Mostly because dental insurance only comes with a decent job and I didn’t have that until know, also because I didn’t have the money. It is interesting to me that I needed to wait all this time to get my teeth pulled because without insurance it would’ve cost about $1000 and now that I have more money and a job with insurance it cost me $233! How fair is that ?? Is this what it is like to be in the 1% (FYI: I am not that person – just referring to the ease that comes with more money). It is definitely nice to be in a position to take care of these things.
The thing is, I have a lot of decisions to make now. There has been an opportunity that presented itself. And while I don’t believe in right or wrong decisions – I do believe that that universe opens door that you should take. Sometimes the doors of opportunities seem lackluster and a fight and are not inline with your passion – you don’t get the job or the guy or whatever it is because it isn’t right but then when you are ready – you get offered a dream,.
This job doesn’t offer me the world but I think it offers me more freedom. And one thing I think I am lacking is freedom. So I am off making a pros and cons list – trying to figure out what the answers and how to chose a better life for myself. Because I know that person settled for mediocrity, they made a choice and that choice I never have to make.