PAUSE.

Since sometime before my trip to Iceland in early November I have been feeling a little overwhelmed with everything in my life. Not in a ‘I quit and want to run away’ kind of way but in a growing, learning, need to restructure kind of way. Now as we roll into the festive season I have come down with one of those gnarly head colds that takes over your life. The kind that makes socializing seem entirely impossible and makes you want to stand in a hot shower for hours on end. I am that kind of sick. It has been making me feel like I need to take a big step back from all the jobs, blogs, vlogs and such and just reevaluate where I want to put all my time.

I need a pause.

Yesterday I was reading some online bloggery about goals and time management and how we can only feasibly work on so many big projects a year. We need to pick the most important ones and  make a master plan of monthly goals, weekly goals and daily goals in order to achieve success for the year.  My problem is that I have too many project on the go and they all mean the world to me, I want to be perfect at all of them. See success in all of them – how is one supposed to really just pick 2 things. Right?!

2016 or 2017 goals, reflections – all that crazy jazz you “supposed” to think about this time of year… Being sick and the end of the year – it is just making me think I need a gawd damn break. I have been working full tilt since I move to Edmonton. 2 jobs, plus creative outlets, conventions and then stressing that I have no time for anything else. I think this time of year you just need to hit pause, see how far you have come, what you can do to make things better, what you need to weed out, who you might need to weed out and just focus on all the amazing accomplishments you make in your life. Pause isn’t a bad thing. Pause is just a time to reflect so moving forward can be more successful, more brilliant and more of exactly what you want.

I am saying that even through I am working straight through Christmas this year, I am sick as a dog and am at my full time job because I need to money to pay my rent and bills. I write this from my work office desk, on a full blown dayquil binge, and after 32oz of caffeine … thinking to myself, why have I extended myself so bad that I need to work when I am so sick. I am learning I need to be better at hitting pause and taking care of myself. I need to stop feeling guilty for not doing things and living up to unreasonable expectations I put on myself. I am writing this because I think there are a lot of people out there that forget to give themselves a break. Forget who they are in the blanket of hurry, and money and bills and life – when we all just need a moment to chill the fuck out, be thankful and be gawddamn grateful for everyone in our lives.

So this is me telling you this Holiday season –  to remember to take a moment to pause and reflect and realize that your are a bomb ass person who is achieving your goals. You are awesome. And even Awesome people need a break sometimes.

Next.

There are moments. Pensive moments. They happen often enough where I get into this reflective state and truly wonder if my decision to set up camp longer term in Edmonton was a wise one.  I mean I don’t mind Edmonton. There are moments where it is kind of pretty.  The weather is generally okay. You know Prairie winters and all. The city is just seedy enough and the people are just struggling enough that I don’t feel super marginalized.  There is an international airport. I work more than I should, I sleep more than I should. I am tried a lot. A whole lot of my free time goes into my obsession with eating vegan food as much as possible. And hopefully figuring out this weight loss thing. Cooking. Meal preping. Trying to figure out this YouTube thing. Sometimes blogging. Really Edmonton isn’t horrible. My Question is though:

When do you throw in the towel and say to yourself  – this, this thing I am doing is not working!

I am not paying off my debt. I am not moving forward. Instead I am standing still trying to keep up. Trying to invest enough to get ahead but not quite enough to be successful. I am slowing putting the building blocks in place to create this thing that I don’t quite understand yet but I know will be a thing.

This last week we had to make some hard decision about our convention. Not quitting just not signing on for things we are not ready for, and moving the date forward. It was a bit of a blow to the forward motion. A bit of a what now? What is next? That coupled with the massive reflective state that comes with travel and I have landed here .. wondering if this job, this city, this place is cultivating happiness and the life I want or is it cultivating frustration and loneliness and an understanding that I am meant to be doing something different, something bigger.

I am really bad for breaking promises I make to myself. In particular the ones that are all about – you know –  taking care of my needs. So I just keep just doing the same things and hoping for the best. And we all know that quote about insanity  … there is nothing worse than a person that constantly complains about their situation and then does absolutely nothing to try and change it. I am not sure I fit into that category. I don’t hate my life. I just want to see debt get paid off faster, all while still keeping my sanity, seeing a successful amount of pounds fall off, get to travel as much as I want and keep on paying all my bills. And a few other things that are less public but just as important. I just am trying to be so much more intentional about the way that I live and the things that I choose and the people I surround myself with – the older I get the easier it is to shut people out and hang out by myself.

So I am just wondering. When is your next?!  Do you reflect in the same way? Do you evaluate what you are doing and tweak it, make changes, look for different opportunities?  When do you say – yup I have been doing this a 6 months, a year, 2 years … and then its not working? What is the time frame for making sure you are seeing the progress you want to see?

When do you throw in your towel?

Get at me in the comment down below – I learn, you learn, we all learn!