I AM WILLING.

Lately I have been reading all sorts of books that I need time to think about, not like your typical fiction stuff that you can just plow through but the non fiction stuff that maybe you want to slow down and think about – process if you will.

Finally this last pairing I got into a space where I could actually think about the stuff that Gary John Bishop writes about in the Unfuck Yourself book.

Literally I want to say this is the maybe the first chapter.

(write 4 sentences take a phone break – this is why these things never get published)

Anyway – willingness. Am I willing to do what it takes to get what I want?! The thing is – for a lot of things, the answer to this lately has been just a big fat fucking no! Am I willing to change the way that I eat? Am I willing to start exercising more? Am I will get another job? Am I will to do things that make me uncomfortable to get the things that I want? Am I willing?

The answer of course has to be yes. But lately I have noticed that I can be really lazy and unmotivated. And normally my friends just say, hey – that is okay – sometimes you need a lazy day – and then I continue to just be lazy for all the days.  When the truth is – I need to use my time more effectively, I need to use my time more efficiently, I need to use my time instead of Netflix-ing my time away.

I am just so damn suggestible – just saying that makes me want to flip on something on Netflix and watch an episode, which will turn into multiple episodes and I will dwindle my day away and not push myself because instead of failing  – I just don’t do.

INSTEAD OF TRYING I GIVE UP AND STOP.

Often I just claim I can’t – I give up often before I even begin. I think the years of instant gratification has caused me to truly believe that I can’t. I used to be able to just put my mind to something and focus and just do it. I was known for it. But since I plowed through all sorts of things – some with success but many without success I have stopped believing in myself. It is crazy when your really start to look into problems and what caused them, how that can be your ultimate tool for growth.

I have learned that I give up easily. One bad date and I don’t go out again for months. I eat right for a couple days and don’t go down on the scale – I eat a monster bag of potato chips. I eat good for a day and I reward myself with chocolate cake – I mean it’s vegan so it’s good for you, right?! If I literally just finished writing all the blog post that I half-assedly started or even just friggen hit publish I would be in a whole different space – but here I am …

So my question today is .. Am I willing? Am I willing to make the necessary changes to get the things that I want? or am I accepting that I want to stay where I am because I don’t think I am worthy enough for something more.

So here I am on a Monday challenging myself to ask the hard questions, Am I willing to put in the work? And if not, what exactly is holding me back? Ask yourself the same thing the next time you are seemingly struggling with something – are you willing to just do what it take to have the things that you want.

It is true that we are the one thing that is standing in the way of our own success.

Go on – tell me – what is the one thing that you want most that you haven’t asked yourself if you are willing to do the work to achieve it??

 

Things I Think About: Burnout & Life Trajectory

 

It is my morning off. I am in Calgary, drinking my very large McDonald’s coffee in my bed watching Youtube – because I have next to zero responsibilities until 1135pm when I need to check in for work. It is a rare occasion I am home alone; the weather has broken its unbearable cold snap to a balmy -4C and it has been a mega mood shifter. Things today seem like they are a -ok. However, the last month or so things have been far from okay.

The truth is – I have been crying a lot lately. And I think we don’t talk about being sad enough. People get sad and it is okay.

I have known for many years that I struggle with winter depression and this winter hit me hard – like really hard. I don’t know if it is the extreme cold the last few weeks, or so much other chaos in my life. But seriously I haven’t cried this much in years. I know it is healthy to let out the frustration but LORDY it has been a lot. Feeling this way always leads to me over committing and under delivering in my life, to my friends, to my family and to basically anyone – I then over-work to deal with all my stress. Because I am a grown ass woman and dealing with stress by working too much is obviously the way to handle life.

One of my biggest, crippling life stressors is finances. I have a lofty goal of crushing out my student loans in the next couple years and I literally have a plan and I am sticking to it. But fuck me it is hard to stay on track and literally limit social interactions just so I can pay off my debt. I am literally barely dressed drinking my coffee reading up on side hustles and wondering if I had an online business what exactly would I sell?! I would love to just get all those bad ass brand deals by posting videos of me drinking umbrella drinks on my overnights in warm locations, but I do actually think it is more work than that. ‘Cuz well imagine if it was that easy? Why would any of us have Monday to Friday jobs?!

Yesterday morning while I was in Puerto Vallarta, I was recording an episode on my podcast about feeling burnt out. I actually found a Forbes articles detailing signs of burn out and I think I hit all 10 of them with a ‘bang on – ya, I sure am’.

See I think that the first part of fixing any sort of life problem is actually realizing you have the problem. Then the fun part begins and that is figuring out  how to solve the problem – like what do I do to stop the burn out from happening because girl needs a payday and also a vacay (that rhythmed and I am very okay with that).

So today I am just being a social media whore. I am writing, I am searching, I am signing up for freelance work websites – I am literally doing all of this from my bed because it feels like I am kind of resting all while getting shit done. Is it the dream? I am not sure but today it feels right!

I am actually curious what the rest of the world does to deal with burn out. How do you deal with that stress of it all? The stress of life? I mean as I approach 40 things seem to be so different than before, life is different – I actually started worrying about different things like retirement funds and buying property and if I will ever be able to retire. I wonder if I will eventually need to settle for a man that is ill suited to me because I long for some sort of companionship that I have yet to find. I think about all sort of things that on the surface seem really, really sad but are just a harsh truth. These are things I think about.

We all get there in life. It happens. We need money, we work too hard, and then we negate all the other things in our life that create balance. I am well aware of the fact that I have lacked balance in my life for a long ass time because I over work ALL THE DAMN TIME. But the truth is it is all on me to fix. There isn’t another person that can fix my trajectory but me. Being aware of your situation certainly helps in the process – because we all know you can’t fix something you don’t know is broken. So it just leaves me with this isolated feeling of what my next steps should be. Am I paralyzed in my own fear? yes – it is hard to make decisions when you feel stressed and burnt out.  It’s so easy to shut the word out and just focus on pushing through and not really thinking of anything else but making it to your end goal. But that just leads to all sorts of questions about what life is really for, right?! like am I having a good enough time? am I laughing enough? do I have enough people around me that support me? Am I enough?

Anyway – here I am just thinking about things – lots of things – am I the only one?


 

 

SO This Is Now

okay … here is the T:

It is almost 11 am as I start to write this, I got woken up this morning by crew scheduling asking me about wanting to work a one day out of a city I no longer live in and then it took forever for me to fall back asleep. I finally did – and had a natural progression of a wake up some time around 830am.

I go down and make myself a coffee – but I spend a lot of mornings alone in hotel rooms drinking coffee in bed flipping through social media and now that is exactly how I want to drink my coffee every day … in silence – but you all know how fucking anti social that is … so I chat for a while only to be eventually head back to my room to start working on some creative stuff.

Things accomplished this AM – making new channel art for my youtube channel that I literally never post on, but doing it anyway – realizing that I just need to write this out and hit publish – doing that … but also plotting my daily domination of meal prep, packing, laundry, grocery shopping, birthday party, computer repair shop and all the other things …. just 2 days of getting it done and trying not to be crazy in the process. My back hurts so bad I can hardly move and honestly my massage yesterday wrecked me something fierce …  I am totally sure being hunched over in my bed while I type this drinking coffee is not going to help either. I woke up this morning feeling like I need to flex my creative muscles so here I am doing that.

I NEED A CREATIVE OUTLET.

I have realized very recently that I thrive in an environment that lets me have a creative outlet and the truth is that no one is going to allow me to focus on that but me. I need to find the time in my not so busy, busy schedule to get it done. Because we make time for the stuff we want to make time for and for a long time I just didn’t make time … but friends … it is time.

I literally signed back into my old blog, reopened my youtube and started looking at ideas for podcasting because why not?

So here I am, end of 2018 and start of year 39 and I am just going to say I have no idea what this is going to look like, I have no idea what I will be focusing on but I do know that I think one of my biggest goals and challenges for 2019 will be to finally get myself into a regular schedule of posting creative content. I guess that means actually sitting down and making a plan – like some sort of goal setting kind of stuff. So you can probably expect something about goal setting for 2019 to come out soon. This post was mostly me just wanting to pop in and say “Hi, I’m here … lets do this!”

So take your day and kill it with productivity and fun – see you on the other side –

xoxo,

C

 

Oh Hi, new job, new life and new adventures ….

Someone had to stand up for me … it might as well of been me  ….

The cat is outta the bag; the metal bars of fear have finally broken: the cheesy lines are a rollin’ and alas change is finally here!

 

“You’ve got to let go of who you were, to become who you will be.”

Friends, Family, Readers … I have finally done it. I have resigned from both my jobs. I have resigned from this life I have created in Edmonton. I have resigned from this insanity. I have finally admitted to myself that I am fucking tired.  I have finally decided that I need to put myself, my health and my mental sanity first. And  … stop doing things I think I should do and start doing things I want to do.

I jumped, arms swinging, heart chakra bursting open to something new.  It is terrifying and super exciting. I have not figured out all the details, I have not sorted everything out, I have not even figured out anything accept on Sunday the 27th of August my journey begins.

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For some time now I have been feeling stressed and depressed and over worked and under paid and dealing with a lot of bullshit and I hit my breaking point. I hit it like a semi truck on a squirrel running across the highway.  It was gnarly. I have felt undervalued and a victim of an abusive work environment. I have taken it out on my kitchen, on my refrigerator and now on my waistline and I am just done. I need to take back what the last two years has stolen from me.

 

 

Everything I was trying to get together has fallen apart because I am so stressed. Working has been all I do, all I talk about and I have given everything with no payoff. My finances are a mess, I gained back all the weight I lost, I am struggling with vegan choices, I struggle with going to the gym. I have lost control of myself, my emotions and my prowess for awesomeness. I got lost. I forgot who I was because I got busy trying to be someone I am not.

Why am I sharing this … because I am gawd damn excited. And with that you should expect the return to travel adventure blogging and vlogging …  lots of laughs and smiles and a whole lots less stress.

Have you even just stood up and said FUCK IT. I’m done?!

I wanna hear all about it below!

shanghai 845
Having a time in Halifax. 2012

 

tell tale signs of impending change

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Fig.1:  When I need to clear my head, clear my thoughts, I go to the water.  Reykjavik Iceland. Greenland Sea.

 

I have a huge decision to make. HUGE. And while for some people that is super easy for some reason at this point in my life (or maybe all points) I am really struggling with decisions. I stress like an overthinking motherfucker, I lose sleep, I talk to everyone about, I even go as far as being physically unable to sleep, socialize or do anything normal because of it.

In my later years I have noticed patterns or things I do when a massive change in my life is about to occur:

  1. Anxiety. My anxiety reaches an all encompassing level.  I literally walk around in days in a full blown anxiety attack. I even wish I had friends these days with Xanax or something of that nature. I have an inability to focus, to have conversations, to just be a normal person doing normal things.
  2. I buy hair dye. Currently at home I have lavender and pastel pink, both wash out in 6 washed but nonetheless I bought the hair dye – lots of hair dye. I then do something stupid to my hair. I usually then spend 6 months repairing said stupid hair decision.
  3. UNSUBSCRIBE.  This time I unsubscribed to all the YouTubers I was following who weren’t aligned with my current mission. I also deleted Facebook and YouTube from my phone. In the past I have deleted social media apps – take away all social influence.  I also turned off notifications to everything on my phone so I am not getting 5000 little icons telling me to watch videos, pay attention to traffic, weather pop ups and everything else. I shut off.
  4. Clean out my closet and donate. This will inevitably be a weekend project. But I have so many things that I don’t wear, don’t fit or are just not right. Get rid of old me stuff.
  5. Eat up all the things in my freezer. I am a meal prep machine. Often I make extra so I can freeze them. But every now and again my freezer goes all crazy and I need to eat up everything and start fresh.
  6. Clean out my cupboards. Same concepts. Clean out and regroup.
  7. Drink tea. Tea is so relaxing and it makes you think. I forget to attempt to shut everything off.
  8. Think about it to a point that I can no longer write about it.
  9. Finally reach a point that I can write  – hello blog post?!@
  10. Agonize over every possible life solution and try to make what I deems is a sound, grown up decision.

The truth is since I moved to Edmonton. Life hasn’t been that much fun. I have had fun times but over all I feel low most of the time. I have consistently worked 50-60 hours a weeks to at first catch up on bills and now to pay for my life.  In the last year I have dabbled on and off with weight watchers in hopes to get back to my healthy self. However, it has proven to be incredible difficult with working so much. So a few months ago I decided I needed a better paying job. I needed to change things up. I needed something different.  So my decision is contemplating a shift. Choosing me and health before choosing a job and money.

 

I got offered something that isn’t in my field that I would be a perfect fit for. I accepted it instantly doing all the things I need to do to make it happen. Then I realized my current life with all my bills that the perks of this job  wouldn’t be perks because I would never be able to actually use them making me wonder if it really is worth it. Enter Crisis.

So now I am about a few weeks out and I need to make decisions. I need to wake up, smell the coffee and get all grown up about what my actual needs, desire and wants are. What the fuck do I want my life to look like?

As I savagely tear apart my apartment I wonder what the universe has in store of me. See I have known for a long time there are no right or wrong decisions just choices. And with every choice there are pros and cons and you just have to fucking deal with the consequences of your choices. How do you make a decision knowing all those things? I am proposing a plan. I am just going to throw it out in the universe and if it is meant to be, it’ll happen. Nothing else I can do about it.

How do you deal with impending change? What are you go to decision making solution? What do you do when you really want something but road blocks are there?

 

pulling yourself out of an anxious rut

Confession: I have been writing posts then promptly deleting them.

Lately, my anxiety has been super bad.  Bad enough that I read up on psychedelic drugs use for mental health healing. If you know me at all – you know that I have zero problem with this. It’s not a far stretch for me to consider this – however, my research tells me that this treatment has only work for people that have had a crazy trip. And – if I am being honest psychedelics were never really my thing. Don’t get my wrong – I love a boogie. But I just chose different things. So I haven’t reached a point where I have turned to this. But I have noticed my stress and exhaustion have led to my face numbness again – that means stress, exhaustion and over worked.

(In case you are wondering – why the fuck I don’t take care of myself ?? – I recently booked a few weeks off of Starbucks to try and figure some shit out. I will still be working my full time job.)

The thing is I am putting undo stress on myself for fabricated reasons and fear. I have become hermited in my fear. I also have become not that interesting because I am not really doing much because I work all the time. I don’t have a lot to talk about because let’s face it – no one wants to hear about your work in a social setting.

Last night – I was having a conversation with someone – and it boiled down to this – I know what to do. I am just not doing it. I have let work take over my life, take over my health and take over my existence.  I am constantly jealous of what I think is other people’s freedom. So I wonder to myself – what is that cost of my freedom? What do I need to do to achieve it?

I know my freedom will cost around 60k. The sum of my debts. But getting there is a lot of work. A lot of fucking work. At which I am sacrificing a lot of other things.

I think I come back to the same things, over and over again.  And I realize that I need to figure out how to let myself have a better balance. I need to chose my priorities.  I can’t in fact have everything as a priority because there isn’t enough time. So, is debt repayment my focus? Is weight loss my focus? Is creating a business my focus? Is forging new friendships my focus? Is relationship building my focus? Because clearly I don’t have the time or energy to do all of these things.

In life, we try things. Sometimes those things don’t work the way we want them to. So we get up and try again. I have been late bloomer my entire life. Nothing new there. I spent a long time (all of my 20ies) trying not to feel because of a dubious upbringing and background. I have forever thought I was not good enough and I wasn’t worth it. And sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I go back to that dark place. I forget who I have become – that I have all sorts of wonderful things. And that the universe is giving me exactly what I need. Right now the universe is teaching me a lot of things.

Instead of analyzing it to death I decided step up, step out and get myself back on track. I also need to figure out what that mysterious thing is suppose to look like. Does it involve a tiny home? Does it involve a husband? Kids? Travel? My own business? Do I live in Costa Rica?  Bali? What am I working so hard for? When will I publish my book?

What is on your goal list? How are you going about achieving it?


PS; if you were reading a few weeks back when I was talking about my fun things to do – I officially signed up for rowing starting May 9th, 2017!

words. branding. online badassery.

The fabulous world of the big bad web is all about buying into someone else’s product. If they have something you think you need and they have caught your eye, they have sold themselves and their product.

When you see what they are selling and think: “fuck yeah, that is going to work for me?”  You see their charisma, their charm, their everything and want to be it. Then you wonder how they created all sorts of online badassery? You are hooked, line and sinker. If you are anything like me, you wonder how they crafted such genius.

I have fallen into this trap SO MANY TIMES! Buying into someones product only to have it not work for me, most of the time failing. The thing is – these things don’t work for me for a million and one reasons but the biggest one is that person, that thing, that is their brand. While I am awesome in so many ways I am not their brand and I need to figure out my own persona, my own brand and my own me. Without a confident force of self to be reckoned with I think there will be no mass following. You need to deliver your awesomeness and not try to deliver someone else success filtered through you.

  1. I honestly think I just realized that I have been trying to find success through other peoples personas. In my works, in my relationships, in my friends, in my blogging and in my drafting. I need to rip off the fear band-aid and be unapologetically me. The only way it can ever work. The raw, blunt, funny, adventurous spirit that I am. The one that likes thrift-ed band tees and Birkenstocks. That person needs to learn how awesome she is and stop trying to figure things out based on what worked for other people.

You know lots of people boast on their YouTube or blog all about all the things they are amazing at – I struggle with that … I don’t want to feel like I am boasting so I don’t tell people I worked on 4 Continents.  That is not a lie, that is the truth. I often downplay and say I volunteered in Chile instead of saying I worked with the United Nations in South America. I see all these people shout all the amazing things they have done and it made me realize that it is all in the language, the approach and not apologizing for opening up doors for yourself. It is all how you present the material. You create that image with your words.

 WORDS ARE MAGIC!

How often do you confidently write about you and say to the world FUCK YEAH – I’m awesome?!

Yesterday night I popped by my parents and in a conversation with my Dad he said something he always says to me … that I have the same disease that he has wanting to explore. The difference between me and my father is this: I think calling yourself a disease is unhealthy, it doesn’t bring your confidence up – in fact it shows how little you value one of your biggest assets! Your sense of adventure, your need to be busy and your need to accomplish things and to learn. It is not a disease to want to learn, explore and adventure. It is doing yourself some disease by not pursuing a passion and by letting yourself be told what you need to do to have a life you don’t  want.

It is really, really hard to disassociate with comments people make. For the last decade I have dealt with all sorts of people telling me how I should go about living my life. And that I need this career and this desk job life and this security and the thing is … it’s boring as fuck. I am tired as hell of working 60 hours a week, I am tired as fuck serving coffee and working with immature entitled bitches. I am tired of this life I created for myself that isn’t really getting my anywhere. Holidays damn near financially break me. I am tired all the time. Life isn’t that fun and I am a goddamn hermit. What the fuck even is that?

All I have wanted to do for years is have my own thing, my own business, my own income and by golly I am going to fucking make it happen …. With all my potty mouthed eloquence.

So it is all how you market yourself, isn’t it?Are you marketing yourself a tired, washed up, low energy zombie and are you ready to face the big bad world on your own?

What words are you?

What does your Perfect work day look like?

You know when you feel the anxiety of change – you are unsure of how, where or when but something is coming. I have been feeling that lately. I am not sure what, where, when or how but there is a thing and I think it is coming at me. My intuition never fails.

The shift of new management in my Starbucks has me reconsidering my side hustle. A stronger than ever desire to work on myself, my weight loss and not working myself to death has me thinking about a lot of things.

Mostly, I want more Carol time.

Anyway you might remember I bought a copy of Jenny Blake’s Pivot awhile back (I was super excited). I haven’t actually had time to get into it very far because I have been busy just trying to tackle my life. I do that sometimes- spend a crap tonne on books and then it takes me years to get to them because I am busy watching True Blood or some others reruns – but mostly it just means I am too fucking tired to really read.

I wanted to do this book as a workbook like it is; actually do the steps. So I thought it would be fun to take you along on my manifestation of creating a career pivot.

pivot

Stage one is PLANT. Calibrating yourself.

It really is the question that we all forget to ask ourselves: If you could do anything in a day (money is no object) what would you do? How would you spend your time? What are you most excited about? What are you most proud of? What do you want more of? less of?  (Pivot pg 42)

Have you ever really sat down and thought about these questions? I mean we all sort of work because it is what we are suppose to do to support our lives. We go there and do the things we need to do so that we can bring home the money to support our lives.  I work a lot. I always have. More recently because I live where it is super expensive. But if I am being honest as soon as I have down time at work … I am doing this. I am writing. I am planning. I am trying to figure out what I can do for a business to make money online. I am looking for a way out. I am looking to spend less time making money for other people and more time making money for myself. I have tired lots and lots of things. Eventually something will pan out – but my point is – if I could do anything I would probably write. Or take photos. Spend my day exploring. Traveling. Loving. Reading. Getting more knowledge.

I am excited when I have readers, when people interact with me. I am excited when I budget and it works. I am excited when I write and people love it. I am most excited to create. I love cooking – meal prepping vegan food; trying new recipes.

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When I think about what I love to do and what I actually do  – they are clearly different. I am grateful I have time to factor writing into my day. I am thankful I don’t need to be creative on demand – but I am absolutely most excited about making things. So my question to myself is – how will I make what I enjoy doing into the great American dream – my job?

I can feel the winds of change. Somethings is brewing. Change is in the air. And here we are heading full force into change. What inspires you? What is your most favorite thing to do?

Comment below about career, making money and landing dream jobs – are you working yours? What are you doing to get there?

xoxo,

C

 

 

Money Diaries. #1

Sometimes money runs through my fingers like sand in a sieve … you know how it goes – it’s like all your shoes wear out in the same month. You need new (or new to you) clothing and everything (perceptions, glasses, shirts, bras – life stuff) all at the same impossible time. It is incredible frustrating. I read all sorts of how to handle your money but sometimes I think those articles are meant for people that maintain a certain level of affluence. I think it is called the latte something something

It has been awhile since we talked about money. The reality for me is that money sucks. Actually gracefully accepting my place in the financial scale makes it easier for me to figure out what I need to do to move forward. As you might know I took a few weeks off of Starbucks in April because I needed a break. I needed to push pause for a minute and catch my breath; align my expectations of myself and figure out what I want to do next.

Taking time off means less money – my budget has gone to shit. I stopped tracking my money. It is the same concept as weight watchers – you gotta track your bites or you don’t lose the weight. I need to track my spending or shit goes crazy.  And, Friends, shit has gone crazy. I need to plan my spending or things get out of control right quick. Some days I wonder if I will ever see the end to my student loan nightmare. The truth is I got tired of it and got distracted because it’s hard to build a life on no dollars.

So in financial news aka pending expenses: I got hit with an amount owing on my income tax. A couple of traffic violations and I need to update my address on my license and insurance. My wisdom teeth will be costing anything my insurance doesn’t cover. I need new glasses, contacts and an eye exam and last but not least I am getting another laser treatment this week on my tattoo. I am mega excited for getting a new tattoo for my birthday this coming December that will cover the spot I am lasering. So I will not make any of my targets for paying off my Alberta student loan any time soon. Gah. I step forward – 3 steps back. I have been good with my no buy with the exceptions of things I really needed.

My 3 big lessons are:

  1. Budget like a motherfucker.
  2. Track your Gawddamn Spending.
  3. Take Control.

In other news that affects my finances. I am trying to brush up on my English grammar because I am thinking about taking my CELTA so I can teach English in Canada.  And then replace Starbucks with teaching. This will cost money but likely make me more money in the long run (also allow me to consider a bit of a Bali teaching situation that has been on the bucket list for years). I am looking for higher paying full time jobs – albeit not that hard. August is my two year work-aversary … so perfect timing. Change is in the air but sadly this time not in my hair.

Anyway – the reason I write this out is in the hopes that you will take a step back  from your financial situation and realize that we all struggle with finances. It’s expensive as fuck to live in the Western world. People have debt and the truth is – none of it is good and the only way out is to plan it out, pay it off and show yourself some love. I have thought about selling everything and moving abroad again but I’m not there yet.

So with that friends, happy saving, happy spending and thankfully it is almost nice enough for picnics and strolls in the parks.

Good vibes,

C

Self Help: Are We Really That Broken?

Why do we let the world tell us that we need to fix ourselves?

I confess that lately I have been obsessed with Mark Manson. I know I come with a ball of baggage in my life. Don’t we all?  I mean social media kind of makes us all think that everyone else is perfect and then we start comparing and then start thinking we suck.  But the truth is – nobody’s life is as cool as it looks on Facebook.  But did we need a book to tell us that?

I love self help reads. Sometimes I get so lost in my head I need to see things in a different light. I really spent a long time avoiding my life. And in the last 4 years I have been working a lot at unraveling my inner self. Sometimes doing the work makes me right sad because I realize how unintentionally horrible I was to someone or I realize how many pedestals I handed to people for no reason or how much blame I put on other people because I am bored, sad, frustrated, solo, tired etc.

Lately I realized that reading most of these books teach you about finding your self worth. I mean maybe they don’t all say that but they all force you to look within – see what maybe wasn’t right in front of you and try to force you into fixing it. I have been doing a lot of that lately. I wonder though – does self help good intention force you into a negative space before you even begin.  I just wonder if things are as bad as we think they are? Or do we force ourselves to see flaws by trying to fix ourselves. Maybe we were never that broken.

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

 

You know – people endlessly ask me about teaching English abroad. It is honestly something I get asked about with a pretty constant frequency even though I haven’t lived abroad is 5 years. Teaching life is pretty fun. However inasmuch as you make fast friends – there is something amazing about have friends you don’t need to share you back story with. While getting to explore all the time is fucking amazing – constantly worrying about contracts and resigning or new jobs and new Cities and what you are going to do with your stuff – annoying. Fast fashion in a new Country and trying to fit in and cramming that shit into a backpack to start all over again. Draining your finances and savings (never mind wrecking havoc on your minimalist journey!).  There is always another side. People want to hear all about the adventures but never really consider the other stuff.

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. let it affect you or not.”

I often think about having my own business. I dream of being able to come and go as I please. I dream of traveling when I want  – Freedom to me means waking up and getting to do whatever I want each day. But sometimes I wonder if I am chasing an illusion. You know – it has been shoved down our throats that the path to success lies at the end of a successful homegrown company; that to achieve all sorts of freedom you need to break away for the 9-5 because 9-5 sucks.  There are endless books, webinars and people telling you that this is the way to happiness and success. This entire business is making you buy into self improvement.

But do we need it?

Lately I have been thinking about all these things I acquired to make my life sustainable in Edmonton. I have been thinking about the “stuff” needed to make myself normal. And I wonder if once you have opened your mind to other realities – can you bring yourself back to this reality – societies normal. I feel like I have been told I need to hang on to or attain all these things to find my own happiness but I am not sure if I will find the gold at the end of your rainbow – mine might point in another direction.

I mean am I walking advertisement for an overrated millennial? Or a younger hippie ? I don’t know. I mean all of us are just trying to figure out this crazy thing called life. And while we don’t think we aren’t influenced by the things we watch and the things we read. We are. We are told by the media what the way to success should be. We are spoon fed it and sometimes I hear myself giving the same media driving response because that is just they way things are supposed to be. (And yes – this even counts if you are reading or watching antimedia – you are still  been spoon fed societal opinions)  My new found adventure with Mark Manson is happening because it is the first book I have read in awhile that has said ’ you know what – sometime life gives you shit. But how are you going to deal with that?’ and the reality is – how the fuck are we going to deal with it?

So is self help just an industry like the rest – tell you you’re broken and you can fix yourself and these 5 books? Maybe. Maybe it is just our own fault for not questioning why we want things.

Do you read Self help? Are you on a journey to become better? How are you doing that?

Leave me some love below!

xoxo,

C