tell tale signs of impending change

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Fig.1:  When I need to clear my head, clear my thoughts, I go to the water.  Reykjavik Iceland. Greenland Sea.

 

I have a huge decision to make. HUGE. And while for some people that is super easy for some reason at this point in my life (or maybe all points) I am really struggling with decisions. I stress like an overthinking motherfucker, I lose sleep, I talk to everyone about, I even go as far as being physically unable to sleep, socialize or do anything normal because of it.

In my later years I have noticed patterns or things I do when a massive change in my life is about to occur:

  1. Anxiety. My anxiety reaches an all encompassing level.  I literally walk around in days in a full blown anxiety attack. I even wish I had friends these days with Xanax or something of that nature. I have an inability to focus, to have conversations, to just be a normal person doing normal things.
  2. I buy hair dye. Currently at home I have lavender and pastel pink, both wash out in 6 washed but nonetheless I bought the hair dye – lots of hair dye. I then do something stupid to my hair. I usually then spend 6 months repairing said stupid hair decision.
  3. UNSUBSCRIBE.  This time I unsubscribed to all the YouTubers I was following who weren’t aligned with my current mission. I also deleted Facebook and YouTube from my phone. In the past I have deleted social media apps – take away all social influence.  I also turned off notifications to everything on my phone so I am not getting 5000 little icons telling me to watch videos, pay attention to traffic, weather pop ups and everything else. I shut off.
  4. Clean out my closet and donate. This will inevitably be a weekend project. But I have so many things that I don’t wear, don’t fit or are just not right. Get rid of old me stuff.
  5. Eat up all the things in my freezer. I am a meal prep machine. Often I make extra so I can freeze them. But every now and again my freezer goes all crazy and I need to eat up everything and start fresh.
  6. Clean out my cupboards. Same concepts. Clean out and regroup.
  7. Drink tea. Tea is so relaxing and it makes you think. I forget to attempt to shut everything off.
  8. Think about it to a point that I can no longer write about it.
  9. Finally reach a point that I can write  – hello blog post?!@
  10. Agonize over every possible life solution and try to make what I deems is a sound, grown up decision.

The truth is since I moved to Edmonton. Life hasn’t been that much fun. I have had fun times but over all I feel low most of the time. I have consistently worked 50-60 hours a weeks to at first catch up on bills and now to pay for my life.  In the last year I have dabbled on and off with weight watchers in hopes to get back to my healthy self. However, it has proven to be incredible difficult with working so much. So a few months ago I decided I needed a better paying job. I needed to change things up. I needed something different.  So my decision is contemplating a shift. Choosing me and health before choosing a job and money.

 

I got offered something that isn’t in my field that I would be a perfect fit for. I accepted it instantly doing all the things I need to do to make it happen. Then I realized my current life with all my bills that the perks of this job  wouldn’t be perks because I would never be able to actually use them making me wonder if it really is worth it. Enter Crisis.

So now I am about a few weeks out and I need to make decisions. I need to wake up, smell the coffee and get all grown up about what my actual needs, desire and wants are. What the fuck do I want my life to look like?

As I savagely tear apart my apartment I wonder what the universe has in store of me. See I have known for a long time there are no right or wrong decisions just choices. And with every choice there are pros and cons and you just have to fucking deal with the consequences of your choices. How do you make a decision knowing all those things? I am proposing a plan. I am just going to throw it out in the universe and if it is meant to be, it’ll happen. Nothing else I can do about it.

How do you deal with impending change? What are you go to decision making solution? What do you do when you really want something but road blocks are there?

 

The bag of burritos I needed.

Truth: Even though I had a fairly great job situation in Calgary post SAIT I quit my job and moved to Montreal. I transferred with Starbucks to get me started and took my boho looking, dreadlock sporting self to the city of liberty and freedom and decided it was about time I make a life for myself.  My friend told me there were lots of jobs, and even though I hadn’t actually found anything online and had no response I packed my stuff, shipped my entire life and decided to make a go of it.

Truth: Montreal was the hardest 6 months of my life.

Truth: I struggled with my pay dropping to a quarter of what I was making in Calgary.  I struggled with transferring into a store that instantly and blatantly hated me because I had dreadlocks among other stupid reasons (sidenote: I later actually made some amazing friends and connections at that Starbucks – Monkland represent!). I was already feeling self conscious and that just wreaked havoc on my emotions and my state of mind. I struggled with sleeping on the hardwood floor for 6 months. My self worth was trapped in material possessions.  When I finally made the decision to leave Montreal my options were limited. I didn’t have any money. I was so fucked. My spirit and soul were crushed. Needless to say moving in with my sister and her family for a couple months changed my life. It propelled me to get where I needed to be.

Edmonton has been a lot of growing and progress; baby steps to a brighter future. However, because I moved here under those dire circumstances. Edmonton has always felt like a failure. That my life is a fail. I failed at Montreal. And that, right there, my friends is a lesson I just learned after almost 2 years in Edmonton.

I have felt like a failure in Edmonton because of the hiccup of time I spent in Montreal that crushed my soul.

It is funny how that works.

So while this might sound like a pity party. It is actually a blessing and a break through in my development as a human. I am so focused on why this (Edmonton) was a fail I have failed myself in seeing my success. I feel so profound in my discovery. Like someone has ripped off some blinders.

So how did I get here ?…. Mark Manson.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

Saturday. I read the entire book. It is fresh in my head so I am trying to implement as many of the lessons as I possible can. But the overarching theme is taking a look  at yourself and your self worth and basically working on yourself to become better for you and then others. I am not going to lie it sucks to realize that you are the root cause of all your problems. It sucks to realize that you are causing your own unhappiness from preconceived notions of yourself. But it makes me smile when I think about all the foolish pressure I have put on myself in the last couple of years because I have limiting beliefs about myself. My mind is fucking blown Friends. All the sudden I am peeling back the layers of destructive self hatred and attempting to lift some pressure from myself and work on my own happiness instead of placing that in other people’s hands and other peoples acceptance of me.

Truth: Sometimes I compare Carol today to Carol back then (not Montreal just happier times) to try and learn from the times in my life when I thought I was my happiest. The thing is. Those were times where I literally and wholeheartedly didn’t give a fuck about what anyone else thought. I never listened I just got on the plane and went. I went to Japan. I went to Korea. I went to China. I went to Chile. I went everywhere. I met amazing people. I didn’t give a flying fuck. I have realized recently I don’t actually want to live like that anymore. I like the stability of not having to figure out where I am going to move every year. I like knowing that my job still exist tomorrow. I don’t need visas and immigration and worrying about whether I can afford a visa run. I don’t have to save for my next flight – unless I truly want to. I think all that time I was searching for security and the only one that can provide that is me.

So today I commit to trying my best to stop that self deprecating behavior. Stop comparing myself to other people doing different things at different phases of their lives. And to just breathe. Because honestly I couldn’t of lived my 20ies any cooler than I did. I didn’t get where I am today but not chancing all those things …testing myself.  Learning that I can build a life where ever I go. Learning that people are selfish assholes and that most advice comes for their own personal experiences, drives, desires and failures. I commit to opening myself up to the possibilities of a wonderful life right here in this city – a place that has been so incredibly good for me, my bank account and my financial well being. I also commit to trying to stop interjecting my suggestions when people what to talk to me. My opinion doesn’t matter much.

So if your are reading this thinking – good gawd – know this – I feel like I am bursting with positivity because I unlocked a secret about my life or I finally figured something out. It is going to be a journey to a brighter Carol. It isn’t my first time pulling myself out of a mess. And I have the power to change everything. It’s a choice.

So Friends – are you trapped in a circle of negative behavior and thoughts? Are you trapped on the hamster wheel of self deprecating behavior and don’t know how to jump off? The sad reality is … it is a choice. Bad things may have happened to you but in the end you chose how you feel about it, how you internalize it or if and when it’s time to let go. You chose to stay. You chose to go. Everything is a choice. So you need to chose to not let past experience affect your current life. And it is hard as fuck. But I am sure as fuck it is going to be worth it.

And with that – all my Love and Self help magic vibes!

Stay dirty,

C