Today is Strange.

I am literally having the strangest day ever.

Let me paint the picture for you:  It is about 430pm on a Monday – I am sitting in my car – a 2013 FIAT 500 2 door, hatchback – in Nose Hill Park in Calgary, overlooking the city – it is a pretty nice fall day.  I am anxious as fuck. I woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to write or create or something like that, mostly I just felt like I needed to get outta the house. It is hard for me to be in my own home (to be clear by own home I mean the room I rent in Calgary that is literally just a room rental). I left my house twice with my laptop thinking I wanted to find a café to drink a tea and finish a post I was writing about getting my finances in order. But I left both of those places feeling … off. And now, strangely enough, here I am, parked in my car with a beautiful view –  with my laptop, writing in my car.

I feel suffocated.

I feel so suffocated that I need to roll down my window in a dusty wind situation.

I have been feeling suffocated a lot lately. I am feeling that – plus unsure and not knowing. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I am eating my feelings one bag of NoName Sour Cream & Onion chips at a time. I am literally filling my body with swill. Every time I look in the mirror I make a comment in my head about my weight and how I look. I feel gross. It is like I stopped caring but I haven’t – like I have given up but I haven’t … I dunno what is going on in my head but here I am sitting in my car looking at the changing fall leaves feeling like something big is about to happen. I can feel it.

You know for a long time in life – I really used to think there was no harm in believing you were better than you were. Growth, you know. But as I approach my 40th year around the sun  I think it might be time that I take a different approach. Less dreaming, more reality. One time someone asked me if I still believed I was going to have a charmed life – he knew his life would be mediocre – at the time I didn’t realize that I was the very thing I hated. I believed I was better than I was, entitled to more than I am and was so gawd damn obtuse about it I didn’t know I was thinking it.

The winds of change have arrived.

The thing I am learning all the time is to feel less guilt and feel less shame and learn to feel more happiness, freedom and strength. I am a master of self help reading but not a master of self help doing.

I used to be an all-in kinda lady. Like if I was going out and getting fucked up – I was coming home the most fucked up, if I was getting high I was getting so gawd damn high I couldn’t keep my eyes open – like the kind of high that people worried about you (Gawd I miss that). There was no just have one beer or two. It was all or nothing. Then I spent a long time being a nothing gal. Recently I have decided I want to be a half in Gal. Somewhere along the way t become a better human I forgot that humans need to have fun. Then I realized I forgot what fun was like. I realized that I have become a hermit.

Anyway, sitting in my car I realized how great it would  to actually go after one of my big dreams. for example – I have wanted to rebuild the interior of a van to live and work in. I have been dreaming of the tiny living for sometime. Instead of committing to a sprinter van and a permanent van home – maybe I can commit to a caravan and weekend warrioring. See what I am getting at – I set my bar to high and then get sad when I don’t achieve it.

I have an end of year move thought lingering in my head, a huge debt repayment happening and then things will begin to shift. I am ready.

Self reflection, Friends, it is a part of growth. It is needed. In whatever strange way to let it happen. For me, today, it is sitting in my car on the top of a hill, writing out my feelings. Thanks for coming along of the journey.

Where are you at in your goals for 2019? Are you making things happen??

xoxo,

C

 

I AM WILLING.

Lately I have been reading all sorts of books that I need time to think about, not like your typical fiction stuff that you can just plow through but the non fiction stuff that maybe you want to slow down and think about – process if you will.

Finally this last pairing I got into a space where I could actually think about the stuff that Gary John Bishop writes about in the Unfuck Yourself book.

Literally I want to say this is the maybe the first chapter.

(write 4 sentences take a phone break – this is why these things never get published)

Anyway – willingness. Am I willing to do what it takes to get what I want?! The thing is – for a lot of things, the answer to this lately has been just a big fat fucking no! Am I willing to change the way that I eat? Am I willing to start exercising more? Am I will get another job? Am I will to do things that make me uncomfortable to get the things that I want? Am I willing?

The answer of course has to be yes. But lately I have noticed that I can be really lazy and unmotivated. And normally my friends just say, hey – that is okay – sometimes you need a lazy day – and then I continue to just be lazy for all the days.  When the truth is – I need to use my time more effectively, I need to use my time more efficiently, I need to use my time instead of Netflix-ing my time away.

I am just so damn suggestible – just saying that makes me want to flip on something on Netflix and watch an episode, which will turn into multiple episodes and I will dwindle my day away and not push myself because instead of failing  – I just don’t do.

INSTEAD OF TRYING I GIVE UP AND STOP.

Often I just claim I can’t – I give up often before I even begin. I think the years of instant gratification has caused me to truly believe that I can’t. I used to be able to just put my mind to something and focus and just do it. I was known for it. But since I plowed through all sorts of things – some with success but many without success I have stopped believing in myself. It is crazy when your really start to look into problems and what caused them, how that can be your ultimate tool for growth.

I have learned that I give up easily. One bad date and I don’t go out again for months. I eat right for a couple days and don’t go down on the scale – I eat a monster bag of potato chips. I eat good for a day and I reward myself with chocolate cake – I mean it’s vegan so it’s good for you, right?! If I literally just finished writing all the blog post that I half-assedly started or even just friggen hit publish I would be in a whole different space – but here I am …

So my question today is .. Am I willing? Am I willing to make the necessary changes to get the things that I want? or am I accepting that I want to stay where I am because I don’t think I am worthy enough for something more.

So here I am on a Monday challenging myself to ask the hard questions, Am I willing to put in the work? And if not, what exactly is holding me back? Ask yourself the same thing the next time you are seemingly struggling with something – are you willing to just do what it take to have the things that you want.

It is true that we are the one thing that is standing in the way of our own success.

Go on – tell me – what is the one thing that you want most that you haven’t asked yourself if you are willing to do the work to achieve it??

 

Self Help: Are We Really That Broken?

Why do we let the world tell us that we need to fix ourselves?

I confess that lately I have been obsessed with Mark Manson. I know I come with a ball of baggage in my life. Don’t we all?  I mean social media kind of makes us all think that everyone else is perfect and then we start comparing and then start thinking we suck.  But the truth is – nobody’s life is as cool as it looks on Facebook.  But did we need a book to tell us that?

I love self help reads. Sometimes I get so lost in my head I need to see things in a different light. I really spent a long time avoiding my life. And in the last 4 years I have been working a lot at unraveling my inner self. Sometimes doing the work makes me right sad because I realize how unintentionally horrible I was to someone or I realize how many pedestals I handed to people for no reason or how much blame I put on other people because I am bored, sad, frustrated, solo, tired etc.

Lately I realized that reading most of these books teach you about finding your self worth. I mean maybe they don’t all say that but they all force you to look within – see what maybe wasn’t right in front of you and try to force you into fixing it. I have been doing a lot of that lately. I wonder though – does self help good intention force you into a negative space before you even begin.  I just wonder if things are as bad as we think they are? Or do we force ourselves to see flaws by trying to fix ourselves. Maybe we were never that broken.

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

 

You know – people endlessly ask me about teaching English abroad. It is honestly something I get asked about with a pretty constant frequency even though I haven’t lived abroad is 5 years. Teaching life is pretty fun. However inasmuch as you make fast friends – there is something amazing about have friends you don’t need to share you back story with. While getting to explore all the time is fucking amazing – constantly worrying about contracts and resigning or new jobs and new Cities and what you are going to do with your stuff – annoying. Fast fashion in a new Country and trying to fit in and cramming that shit into a backpack to start all over again. Draining your finances and savings (never mind wrecking havoc on your minimalist journey!).  There is always another side. People want to hear all about the adventures but never really consider the other stuff.

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. let it affect you or not.”

I often think about having my own business. I dream of being able to come and go as I please. I dream of traveling when I want  – Freedom to me means waking up and getting to do whatever I want each day. But sometimes I wonder if I am chasing an illusion. You know – it has been shoved down our throats that the path to success lies at the end of a successful homegrown company; that to achieve all sorts of freedom you need to break away for the 9-5 because 9-5 sucks.  There are endless books, webinars and people telling you that this is the way to happiness and success. This entire business is making you buy into self improvement.

But do we need it?

Lately I have been thinking about all these things I acquired to make my life sustainable in Edmonton. I have been thinking about the “stuff” needed to make myself normal. And I wonder if once you have opened your mind to other realities – can you bring yourself back to this reality – societies normal. I feel like I have been told I need to hang on to or attain all these things to find my own happiness but I am not sure if I will find the gold at the end of your rainbow – mine might point in another direction.

I mean am I walking advertisement for an overrated millennial? Or a younger hippie ? I don’t know. I mean all of us are just trying to figure out this crazy thing called life. And while we don’t think we aren’t influenced by the things we watch and the things we read. We are. We are told by the media what the way to success should be. We are spoon fed it and sometimes I hear myself giving the same media driving response because that is just they way things are supposed to be. (And yes – this even counts if you are reading or watching antimedia – you are still  been spoon fed societal opinions)  My new found adventure with Mark Manson is happening because it is the first book I have read in awhile that has said ’ you know what – sometime life gives you shit. But how are you going to deal with that?’ and the reality is – how the fuck are we going to deal with it?

So is self help just an industry like the rest – tell you you’re broken and you can fix yourself and these 5 books? Maybe. Maybe it is just our own fault for not questioning why we want things.

Do you read Self help? Are you on a journey to become better? How are you doing that?

Leave me some love below!

xoxo,

C

 

 

 

If I do this, then I get to do that …

I have finally gone and done it. I booked my appointment for the full extraction of my last two wisdom teeth. On May 29th I will finally get to tick this big thing off my list of health issues I need to deal with before I can think about my next move. Actually it isn’t that big of a list but the things on the list are big-ish. It is sort of like a Health and Wellness list.

When I initially moved to Edmonton I had also been considering a return to Seoul, South Korea. I was in a bind and I needed steady, consistent income to pull myself out of a bit of a financial pickle. I gave myself 6 weeks to find work in Alberta and if that didn’t happen teaching was going to happen. South Korea has always been my back up plan. By the grace of the universe I found work in Edmonton and have been working tirelessly to get myself back on track.  The thing is – I am back on track and now I am ticking the things of the Health and Wellness list.

Truth be told -I have had an irrational fear of getting my wisdom teeth out. I have no idea why I started living in fear but here we are in my late 30ies doing that fear thing that is so irrational. Sometimes I feel like I lacked the years in growing up and all the sudden I need to do all of this shit so fucking quickly. Maybe that just comes with being in your late 30ies. Sometimes I feel sad that I was so lost for so long; the wake up smack didn’t hit me till recently in a way I never saw coming. Now I am just questioning and judging and trying to figure myself out so I can figure out relationships and friendships. I digress.

There are a couple of other things on this list that I have started that aren’t complete. My lease is up in April of next year … so I have some investigating, planning and figuring out to do. But all of that is on the back burner while I actually just do some living, loving and some gawd damn self care.

My new questions in life are … how will this impact my financial well being and how will this affect my emotional and health well being? The answer is simple friends –  getting my teeth out will likely stop my mouth from hurting, jaw pain, headaches and such, my over all oral hygiene will be better and now that I have dental coverage this should not impact my  wallet too much – in fact doing it now will likely save me money later.

Are you on a journey of self improvement? What is on your “if I do this , then I get to do that” list?

Lets talk about it below!

xoxo, C