tell tale signs of impending change

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Fig.1:  When I need to clear my head, clear my thoughts, I go to the water.  Reykjavik Iceland. Greenland Sea.

 

I have a huge decision to make. HUGE. And while for some people that is super easy for some reason at this point in my life (or maybe all points) I am really struggling with decisions. I stress like an overthinking motherfucker, I lose sleep, I talk to everyone about, I even go as far as being physically unable to sleep, socialize or do anything normal because of it.

In my later years I have noticed patterns or things I do when a massive change in my life is about to occur:

  1. Anxiety. My anxiety reaches an all encompassing level.  I literally walk around in days in a full blown anxiety attack. I even wish I had friends these days with Xanax or something of that nature. I have an inability to focus, to have conversations, to just be a normal person doing normal things.
  2. I buy hair dye. Currently at home I have lavender and pastel pink, both wash out in 6 washed but nonetheless I bought the hair dye – lots of hair dye. I then do something stupid to my hair. I usually then spend 6 months repairing said stupid hair decision.
  3. UNSUBSCRIBE.  This time I unsubscribed to all the YouTubers I was following who weren’t aligned with my current mission. I also deleted Facebook and YouTube from my phone. In the past I have deleted social media apps – take away all social influence.  I also turned off notifications to everything on my phone so I am not getting 5000 little icons telling me to watch videos, pay attention to traffic, weather pop ups and everything else. I shut off.
  4. Clean out my closet and donate. This will inevitably be a weekend project. But I have so many things that I don’t wear, don’t fit or are just not right. Get rid of old me stuff.
  5. Eat up all the things in my freezer. I am a meal prep machine. Often I make extra so I can freeze them. But every now and again my freezer goes all crazy and I need to eat up everything and start fresh.
  6. Clean out my cupboards. Same concepts. Clean out and regroup.
  7. Drink tea. Tea is so relaxing and it makes you think. I forget to attempt to shut everything off.
  8. Think about it to a point that I can no longer write about it.
  9. Finally reach a point that I can write  – hello blog post?!@
  10. Agonize over every possible life solution and try to make what I deems is a sound, grown up decision.

The truth is since I moved to Edmonton. Life hasn’t been that much fun. I have had fun times but over all I feel low most of the time. I have consistently worked 50-60 hours a weeks to at first catch up on bills and now to pay for my life.  In the last year I have dabbled on and off with weight watchers in hopes to get back to my healthy self. However, it has proven to be incredible difficult with working so much. So a few months ago I decided I needed a better paying job. I needed to change things up. I needed something different.  So my decision is contemplating a shift. Choosing me and health before choosing a job and money.

 

I got offered something that isn’t in my field that I would be a perfect fit for. I accepted it instantly doing all the things I need to do to make it happen. Then I realized my current life with all my bills that the perks of this job  wouldn’t be perks because I would never be able to actually use them making me wonder if it really is worth it. Enter Crisis.

So now I am about a few weeks out and I need to make decisions. I need to wake up, smell the coffee and get all grown up about what my actual needs, desire and wants are. What the fuck do I want my life to look like?

As I savagely tear apart my apartment I wonder what the universe has in store of me. See I have known for a long time there are no right or wrong decisions just choices. And with every choice there are pros and cons and you just have to fucking deal with the consequences of your choices. How do you make a decision knowing all those things? I am proposing a plan. I am just going to throw it out in the universe and if it is meant to be, it’ll happen. Nothing else I can do about it.

How do you deal with impending change? What are you go to decision making solution? What do you do when you really want something but road blocks are there?

 

Do you keep fighting for a better life or give up for something more realistically mediocre?

This.

I can’t stop thinking about this the last little while. I don’t know what is wrong with me. It is like I have lost all sense of self worth. I keep replaying that conversation in my head from 10 years ago when someone I was close to said to me: “I see you still think you are going to have an amazing life, I have realized that I will just live a mediocre life”  … it stung. Like I lived in this hopeless dream world and that I would amount to nothing. So I often wonder – am I trying too hard to be something I will never be? Should I just settle in my life realizing that I will never have things I really want?

See a couple days ago a super good friend of mine told me I care too much about paying off my student loans and that I should pay the minimum and move on. I didn’t say anything at the time but I totally disagree. But then I realized I reek of poverty. I always have. My money stress is written all over my expression and my anxiety and my everything.

I feel vomit brewing in my throat and a slow nausea forming over my body – realizing how poor you really are is terrifying – but necessary to grow out of it, grow from it – build.

I just want my fucking break. I just want the universe to give me a goddamn break and stop making everything so fucking hard.


 

That was me a few months ago – feeling stressed. Today I decided to clean out my drafts folder on my blog. Most of what I was reading was me talking about how I don’t want to do this life anymore. But I promised myself that I needed to be at my full time job for at least 2 years. I promised myself I wouldn’t find a new job until I got my wisdom teeth out.

But a couple of weeks ago I finally did it, I finally got my wisdom teeth pulled  – and while I was in my T3 Coma  a job interview application can through that has provided me an offer that would start at exactly my 2 year mark at full time job. Is that a sign? I asked the universe for a sign and she delivered.

I had been putting off getting my bottom two teeth out for almost 10 years. Mostly because dental insurance only comes with a decent job and I didn’t have that until know, also because I didn’t have the money. It is interesting to me that I needed to wait all this time to get my teeth pulled because without insurance it would’ve cost about $1000 and now that I have more money and a job with insurance it cost me $233! How fair is that ?? Is this what it is like to be in the 1%  (FYI: I am not that person – just referring to the ease that comes with more money). It is definitely nice to be in a position to take care of these things.

The thing is, I have a lot of decisions to make now. There has been an opportunity that presented itself. And while I don’t believe in right or wrong decisions – I do believe that that universe opens door that you should take. Sometimes the doors of opportunities seem lackluster and a fight and are not inline with your passion  – you don’t get the job or the guy or whatever it is because it isn’t right but then when you are ready – you get offered a dream,.

This job doesn’t offer me the world but I think it offers me more freedom. And one thing I think I am lacking is freedom. So I am off making a pros and cons list – trying to figure out what the answers and how to chose a better life for myself. Because I know that person settled for mediocrity, they made a choice and that choice I never have to make.