I have a huge decision to make. HUGE. And while for some people that is super easy for some reason at this point in my life (or maybe all points) I am really struggling with decisions. I stress like an overthinking motherfucker, I lose sleep, I talk to everyone about, I even go as far as being physically unable to sleep, socialize or do anything normal because of it.
In my later years I have noticed patterns or things I do when a massive change in my life is about to occur:
Anxiety. My anxiety reaches an all encompassing level. I literally walk around in days in a full blown anxiety attack. I even wish I had friends these days with Xanax or something of that nature. I have an inability to focus, to have conversations, to just be a normal person doing normal things.
I buy hair dye. Currently at home I have lavender and pastel pink, both wash out in 6 washed but nonetheless I bought the hair dye – lots of hair dye. I then do something stupid to my hair. I usually then spend 6 months repairing said stupid hair decision.
UNSUBSCRIBE. This time I unsubscribed to all the YouTubers I was following who weren’t aligned with my current mission. I also deleted Facebook and YouTube from my phone. In the past I have deleted social media apps – take away all social influence. I also turned off notifications to everything on my phone so I am not getting 5000 little icons telling me to watch videos, pay attention to traffic, weather pop ups and everything else. I shut off.
Clean out my closet and donate. This will inevitably be a weekend project. But I have so many things that I don’t wear, don’t fit or are just not right. Get rid of old me stuff.
Eat up all the things in my freezer. I am a meal prep machine. Often I make extra so I can freeze them. But every now and again my freezer goes all crazy and I need to eat up everything and start fresh.
Clean out my cupboards. Same concepts. Clean out and regroup.
Drink tea. Tea is so relaxing and it makes you think. I forget to attempt to shut everything off.
Think about it to a point that I can no longer write about it.
Finally reach a point that I can write – hello blog post?!@
Agonize over every possible life solution and try to make what I deems is a sound, grown up decision.
The truth is since I moved to Edmonton. Life hasn’t been that much fun. I have had fun times but over all I feel low most of the time. I have consistently worked 50-60 hours a weeks to at first catch up on bills and now to pay for my life. In the last year I have dabbled on and off with weight watchers in hopes to get back to my healthy self. However, it has proven to be incredible difficult with working so much. So a few months ago I decided I needed a better paying job. I needed to change things up. I needed something different. So my decision is contemplating a shift. Choosing me and health before choosing a job and money.
Fig 2.1: Amsterdam, Netherland. Trying to figure out what is the next career choice I should make.
Fig. 2.2: Hangzhou China. Planning my midnight run. Figure out my next move.
I got offered something that isn’t in my field that I would be a perfect fit for. I accepted it instantly doing all the things I need to do to make it happen. Then I realized my current life with all my bills that the perks of this job wouldn’t be perks because I would never be able to actually use them making me wonder if it really is worth it. Enter Crisis.
So now I am about a few weeks out and I need to make decisions. I need to wake up, smell the coffee and get all grown up about what my actual needs, desire and wants are. What the fuck do I want my life to look like?
As I savagely tear apart my apartment I wonder what the universe has in store of me. See I have known for a long time there are no right or wrong decisions just choices. And with every choice there are pros and cons and you just have to fucking deal with the consequences of your choices. How do you make a decision knowing all those things? I am proposing a plan. I am just going to throw it out in the universe and if it is meant to be, it’ll happen. Nothing else I can do about it.
How do you deal with impending change? What are you go to decision making solution? What do you do when you really want something but road blocks are there?
There are moments. Pensive moments. They happen often enough where I get into this reflective state and truly wonder if my decision to set up camp longer term in Edmonton was a wise one. I mean I don’t mind Edmonton. There are moments where it is kind of pretty. The weather is generally okay. You know Prairie winters and all. The city is just seedy enough and the people are just struggling enough that I don’t feel super marginalized. There is an international airport. I work more than I should, I sleep more than I should. I am tried a lot. A whole lot of my free time goes into my obsession with eating vegan food as much as possible. And hopefully figuring out this weight loss thing. Cooking. Meal preping. Trying to figure out this YouTube thing. Sometimes blogging. Really Edmonton isn’t horrible. My Question is though:
When do you throw in the towel and say to yourself – this, this thing I am doing is not working!
I am not paying off my debt. I am not moving forward. Instead I am standing still trying to keep up. Trying to invest enough to get ahead but not quite enough to be successful. I am slowing putting the building blocks in place to create this thing that I don’t quite understand yet but I know will be a thing.
This last week we had to make some hard decision about our convention. Not quitting just not signing on for things we are not ready for, and moving the date forward. It was a bit of a blow to the forward motion. A bit of a what now? What is next? That coupled with the massive reflective state that comes with travel and I have landed here .. wondering if this job, this city, this place is cultivating happiness and the life I want or is it cultivating frustration and loneliness and an understanding that I am meant to be doing something different, something bigger.
I am really bad for breaking promises I make to myself. In particular the ones that are all about – you know – taking care of my needs. So I just keep just doing the same things and hoping for the best. And we all know that quote about insanity … there is nothing worse than a person that constantly complains about their situation and then does absolutely nothing to try and change it. I am not sure I fit into that category. I don’t hate my life. I just want to see debt get paid off faster, all while still keeping my sanity, seeing a successful amount of pounds fall off, get to travel as much as I want and keep on paying all my bills. And a few other things that are less public but just as important. I just am trying to be so much more intentional about the way that I live and the things that I choose and the people I surround myself with – the older I get the easier it is to shut people out and hang out by myself.
So I am just wondering. When is your next?! Do you reflect in the same way? Do you evaluate what you are doing and tweak it, make changes, look for different opportunities? When do you say – yup I have been doing this a 6 months, a year, 2 years … and then its not working? What is the time frame for making sure you are seeing the progress you want to see?
When do you throw in your towel?
Get at me in the comment down below – I learn, you learn, we all learn!
This week is incredible busy for me. I am in Virginia, USA and out of my normal routine. Doing other things. Working on different stuff. Trying things from a new angle.
While trying to cram in the most amount of amazing as possible it has really occurred to me the amount of choices we have in North America. Just yesterday I was in Whole Food Market and discovered like 30 different kinds of Larabars. I was excited yes, overwhelmed – indeed! I am not sure that is just in the USA but my point is … everytime we leave our houses we are bombarded with choice. We are assaulted with the many options that make us a “freedom filled” society. But it occurred to me – are the amount of choices that are available to us at a benefit to our sanity. Or is there a dark side to choices?
Is all the choice causing us anxiety?
In my never ending search for talented online businesses that revolve around social media I find a million you-tubers making “what I eat in a day” videos or “how I plan my life” videos or “where to find vegan food” ideas. We have a choice of who entertains us on the big scene, we choose what we listen to, we choose what to read.
So with out doubt – there must be a complete understanding that we choose our life!
Wechoose our path and we choose what sort of people, music, and knowledge that occupies our mind space – we choose to shape our world from the options given to us.
Just curious – what kind of choices are you making to cultivate the life you want?
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