Do you keep fighting for a better life or give up for something more realistically mediocre?

This.

I can’t stop thinking about this the last little while. I don’t know what is wrong with me. It is like I have lost all sense of self worth. I keep replaying that conversation in my head from 10 years ago when someone I was close to said to me: “I see you still think you are going to have an amazing life, I have realized that I will just live a mediocre life”  … it stung. Like I lived in this hopeless dream world and that I would amount to nothing. So I often wonder – am I trying too hard to be something I will never be? Should I just settle in my life realizing that I will never have things I really want?

See a couple days ago a super good friend of mine told me I care too much about paying off my student loans and that I should pay the minimum and move on. I didn’t say anything at the time but I totally disagree. But then I realized I reek of poverty. I always have. My money stress is written all over my expression and my anxiety and my everything.

I feel vomit brewing in my throat and a slow nausea forming over my body – realizing how poor you really are is terrifying – but necessary to grow out of it, grow from it – build.

I just want my fucking break. I just want the universe to give me a goddamn break and stop making everything so fucking hard.


 

That was me a few months ago – feeling stressed. Today I decided to clean out my drafts folder on my blog. Most of what I was reading was me talking about how I don’t want to do this life anymore. But I promised myself that I needed to be at my full time job for at least 2 years. I promised myself I wouldn’t find a new job until I got my wisdom teeth out.

But a couple of weeks ago I finally did it, I finally got my wisdom teeth pulled  – and while I was in my T3 Coma  a job interview application can through that has provided me an offer that would start at exactly my 2 year mark at full time job. Is that a sign? I asked the universe for a sign and she delivered.

I had been putting off getting my bottom two teeth out for almost 10 years. Mostly because dental insurance only comes with a decent job and I didn’t have that until know, also because I didn’t have the money. It is interesting to me that I needed to wait all this time to get my teeth pulled because without insurance it would’ve cost about $1000 and now that I have more money and a job with insurance it cost me $233! How fair is that ?? Is this what it is like to be in the 1%  (FYI: I am not that person – just referring to the ease that comes with more money). It is definitely nice to be in a position to take care of these things.

The thing is, I have a lot of decisions to make now. There has been an opportunity that presented itself. And while I don’t believe in right or wrong decisions – I do believe that that universe opens door that you should take. Sometimes the doors of opportunities seem lackluster and a fight and are not inline with your passion  – you don’t get the job or the guy or whatever it is because it isn’t right but then when you are ready – you get offered a dream,.

This job doesn’t offer me the world but I think it offers me more freedom. And one thing I think I am lacking is freedom. So I am off making a pros and cons list – trying to figure out what the answers and how to chose a better life for myself. Because I know that person settled for mediocrity, they made a choice and that choice I never have to make.

 

 

What does your Perfect work day look like?

You know when you feel the anxiety of change – you are unsure of how, where or when but something is coming. I have been feeling that lately. I am not sure what, where, when or how but there is a thing and I think it is coming at me. My intuition never fails.

The shift of new management in my Starbucks has me reconsidering my side hustle. A stronger than ever desire to work on myself, my weight loss and not working myself to death has me thinking about a lot of things.

Mostly, I want more Carol time.

Anyway you might remember I bought a copy of Jenny Blake’s Pivot awhile back (I was super excited). I haven’t actually had time to get into it very far because I have been busy just trying to tackle my life. I do that sometimes- spend a crap tonne on books and then it takes me years to get to them because I am busy watching True Blood or some others reruns – but mostly it just means I am too fucking tired to really read.

I wanted to do this book as a workbook like it is; actually do the steps. So I thought it would be fun to take you along on my manifestation of creating a career pivot.

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Stage one is PLANT. Calibrating yourself.

It really is the question that we all forget to ask ourselves: If you could do anything in a day (money is no object) what would you do? How would you spend your time? What are you most excited about? What are you most proud of? What do you want more of? less of?  (Pivot pg 42)

Have you ever really sat down and thought about these questions? I mean we all sort of work because it is what we are suppose to do to support our lives. We go there and do the things we need to do so that we can bring home the money to support our lives.  I work a lot. I always have. More recently because I live where it is super expensive. But if I am being honest as soon as I have down time at work … I am doing this. I am writing. I am planning. I am trying to figure out what I can do for a business to make money online. I am looking for a way out. I am looking to spend less time making money for other people and more time making money for myself. I have tired lots and lots of things. Eventually something will pan out – but my point is – if I could do anything I would probably write. Or take photos. Spend my day exploring. Traveling. Loving. Reading. Getting more knowledge.

I am excited when I have readers, when people interact with me. I am excited when I budget and it works. I am excited when I write and people love it. I am most excited to create. I love cooking – meal prepping vegan food; trying new recipes.

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When I think about what I love to do and what I actually do  – they are clearly different. I am grateful I have time to factor writing into my day. I am thankful I don’t need to be creative on demand – but I am absolutely most excited about making things. So my question to myself is – how will I make what I enjoy doing into the great American dream – my job?

I can feel the winds of change. Somethings is brewing. Change is in the air. And here we are heading full force into change. What inspires you? What is your most favorite thing to do?

Comment below about career, making money and landing dream jobs – are you working yours? What are you doing to get there?

xoxo,

C