tell tale signs of impending change

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Fig.1:  When I need to clear my head, clear my thoughts, I go to the water.  Reykjavik Iceland. Greenland Sea.

 

I have a huge decision to make. HUGE. And while for some people that is super easy for some reason at this point in my life (or maybe all points) I am really struggling with decisions. I stress like an overthinking motherfucker, I lose sleep, I talk to everyone about, I even go as far as being physically unable to sleep, socialize or do anything normal because of it.

In my later years I have noticed patterns or things I do when a massive change in my life is about to occur:

  1. Anxiety. My anxiety reaches an all encompassing level.  I literally walk around in days in a full blown anxiety attack. I even wish I had friends these days with Xanax or something of that nature. I have an inability to focus, to have conversations, to just be a normal person doing normal things.
  2. I buy hair dye. Currently at home I have lavender and pastel pink, both wash out in 6 washed but nonetheless I bought the hair dye – lots of hair dye. I then do something stupid to my hair. I usually then spend 6 months repairing said stupid hair decision.
  3. UNSUBSCRIBE.  This time I unsubscribed to all the YouTubers I was following who weren’t aligned with my current mission. I also deleted Facebook and YouTube from my phone. In the past I have deleted social media apps – take away all social influence.  I also turned off notifications to everything on my phone so I am not getting 5000 little icons telling me to watch videos, pay attention to traffic, weather pop ups and everything else. I shut off.
  4. Clean out my closet and donate. This will inevitably be a weekend project. But I have so many things that I don’t wear, don’t fit or are just not right. Get rid of old me stuff.
  5. Eat up all the things in my freezer. I am a meal prep machine. Often I make extra so I can freeze them. But every now and again my freezer goes all crazy and I need to eat up everything and start fresh.
  6. Clean out my cupboards. Same concepts. Clean out and regroup.
  7. Drink tea. Tea is so relaxing and it makes you think. I forget to attempt to shut everything off.
  8. Think about it to a point that I can no longer write about it.
  9. Finally reach a point that I can write  – hello blog post?!@
  10. Agonize over every possible life solution and try to make what I deems is a sound, grown up decision.

The truth is since I moved to Edmonton. Life hasn’t been that much fun. I have had fun times but over all I feel low most of the time. I have consistently worked 50-60 hours a weeks to at first catch up on bills and now to pay for my life.  In the last year I have dabbled on and off with weight watchers in hopes to get back to my healthy self. However, it has proven to be incredible difficult with working so much. So a few months ago I decided I needed a better paying job. I needed to change things up. I needed something different.  So my decision is contemplating a shift. Choosing me and health before choosing a job and money.

 

I got offered something that isn’t in my field that I would be a perfect fit for. I accepted it instantly doing all the things I need to do to make it happen. Then I realized my current life with all my bills that the perks of this job  wouldn’t be perks because I would never be able to actually use them making me wonder if it really is worth it. Enter Crisis.

So now I am about a few weeks out and I need to make decisions. I need to wake up, smell the coffee and get all grown up about what my actual needs, desire and wants are. What the fuck do I want my life to look like?

As I savagely tear apart my apartment I wonder what the universe has in store of me. See I have known for a long time there are no right or wrong decisions just choices. And with every choice there are pros and cons and you just have to fucking deal with the consequences of your choices. How do you make a decision knowing all those things? I am proposing a plan. I am just going to throw it out in the universe and if it is meant to be, it’ll happen. Nothing else I can do about it.

How do you deal with impending change? What are you go to decision making solution? What do you do when you really want something but road blocks are there?

 

When you up & decided your goals aren’t working …

Guys, I was on a March Madness roll – but then I got really, really tired and had to take a break. I was feeling depleted of creative thought and really just wanted to sleep. Last night was night two of go to work, come home, eat a snack and pretty much lose focus on any form of human connection and get lost in a binge watching mess of CraveTV, Netflix and YouTube.

My anxiety got so bad that my back started seizing up, my gums started to burn and I couldn’t do anything but shower, throw on my sweatpants and lounge in my bed. If I am being honest I didn’t even attempt the couches – I was just to fucking tired.

I have been feeling lonely and unmotivated lately.  You know you want to do all these crazy adventurous things but you stand in your own way. Anyway – this reality got me thinking about the choices we make creating our own reality. Because while there are a lot of things that are out of our control – there are plenty of things that we can control.

Everything is a choice.  Sometimes in life we attached stories to justify things that happened. Instead of just being brutally honest about the facts. No excuses. Just reality.


 Lets take a look at this: I chose to attend university, I chose my major. I chose to live my life with reckless abandon. Trust in everyone, and live my life as if I didn’t have 30K of debt hanging over my shoulders. I moved to Korea thinking I would pay my loans off. After I got there, that reality got lost in travel around Asia. After traveling awhile and working contract jobs. I decided I needed to retrain. More loans, More education. More things that weren’t actually my dream. I chose it all.  Now as I settle into adult life – the debt scale is larger, I am killing myself to pay for the last 10 years and I have deemed myself unworthy of friendships, relationships and life because I have gained weight and I am in debt. I project those feelings on other people. I created it all.

 

I am hard on myself. I feel like I am unworthy of a lot of things. I have let other people project their realities on me.  When in fact I am completely capable of something more.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to be debt free because that will make me feel free, I put a lot of pressure on myself to wake up tomorrow lighter, thinner, more vegan. I put a lot of pressure on myself to go on dates and try and meet people – when the reality is I really need to do a better job of loving myself.

Today I decided to think more clearly about my goals, my motivation and my drive. What does success look like? How can I make choices for Edmonton that make me less exhausted, more connected to source, to nature and to humans?

So as we roll out to the end of march – I am re-budgeting, reformulating goals, and getting ready to set myself up for a successful summer. Because Friends, that is the thing with goals, and life … some times you need to reevaluate, stop making excuses and move forward.

How have you combated the harsh realities of adulting?

xoxo,

C

What keeps you HAPPY?

I recently started reading the book Pivot by Jenny Blake. One of those interesting reads that forces you to look within to figure out to where to go next.

This last little while I have been feeling stagnant in my life:  work, sleep, eat, sleep, go on a date, have it not work, go for a coffee with friends, realize I’m on a different page, sleep, chat with my sisters, visit the shopping store, buy shit, attempt to be fulfilled … blah, blah … I like all those things but it lacks adventure.  I have been feeling stagnant at my job because there is no where for me to advance and in Edmonton as a city as a whole. I feel bored. Boredom to the extent that it is causing me headaches from not being challenged enough.

Normally my next move would be to move. Country hop. Lifestyle hop. Do something that challenges me. However, I am trying to adult. Hardcore. I am trying to get a stronghold on paying off my loans. I promised myself that I wouldn’t move abroad again until I have paid down 20K off my student loans (hint – that is at like 19k and change away OR at very least I need to have paid of my Alberta and Nova Scotia Loans)

And then this came up in my Instagram feed this AM:

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And it hit me hard with the wonderment of this existence in my life. You know, happiness. What is missing? What is lacking? Am I happy with my life here in Edmonton?

With all this information smacked together – I have come to this vortex of knowledge.  The Oprah light bulb moment or “AH-HA” rang its bell. My intentions for Edmonton was money. Pure and simple. I moved to this city out of a place of desperation. I left Montreal crumbled, beaten down and exhausted. I moved back to Alberta and specifically Edmonton because I needed a fresh start, I needed a job in my field and I needed to crush some immediate debt that I acquired living in Montreal.  I was over extended everywhere.

 

However, since I now have paid those debts. Had my debt fatigue trips. And have re-budgeted for student loan payments. I am thinking, what’s next? I am month two into this and I just feel drained. I lack a drive and desire to do things. Be social. Have fun. I feel like everything goes back to money. I don’t want to drink because I don’t have money. I don’t want to drink because  am on a diet.  I don’t have money because I am spending $1000 a month on debt repayment. I want to be skinny but can be fucked to eat right buuuut my weight is wearing on my self confidence. There is always fucking something that limits me … and you know what guys, that something is me. That something is my intentions. That something is an unwillingness to go it alone and explore Edmonton for what it really has to offer.

In light of signing my lease for another year. And officially staying in Edmonton for awhile – I have decided to give it my all.  Because I know that debt repayment is happening I can now set my intentions on other things like – weigh-loss, building a social community, developing my creative space online via this blog, Instagram and twitter and just being here. This is a huge shift. This means maybe reworking my schedule, maybe feeling uncomfortable, maybe learning to not let my anxiety take over my life. But there is only one person that can change things and that person is me. Sometimes you need to change up the routine, apply for new jobs, work on your passion projects and really see the fruits of your labor.

With that in mind I want to know from you:

Are you in love with your life? How did you make that happen? Could you have more? How are you challenge yourself to be happier?

LEAVE ME SOME LOVE IN THE COMMENTS &

PLEASE FOLLOW ME – HELP ME GROW MY COMMUNITY!

XOXO,

C

It all Connects.

Minimalism is trending. Big time. It is everywhere you look. People are downsizing their closets, their kitchens, their housing, their physical belongings – in my case, I have done a lot of that already so I have really been working on my social media. A  lot of  people ask me why I have been getting rid of things, downsizing, decluttering; a lot of people are curious – a lot of people just don’t understand.

The thing you need to know: Happiness isn’t found in things.

On my journey to enlightenment or to being a happier, more sound human. I too find a happiness within and not from material things. I consciously choose to work at not cluttering my space. I don’t live in a white apartment, with white sheets and one plant. I have far to many collectables from far too many times in my life. But I do actively try to take options out of my life. Simplify.

We are simply cluttered with options and choices and I don’t want to live like that anymore.

Listen, I know it is not for everybody – it is a popular phrase these days but “you do you”.  So really – do you! I have no problem with the way other people chose to live. I am just on a journey in my life right now to do things differently. Actually it has been happening for the last 5 years – each year with more intensity. I am on a journey to let go. I want to relinquish the past to make way for the future. It isn’t a hard concept, really. While we all have had different paths – different sets of challenges – a lot of our end goals are the same – companionship, relationships, abundance, love.

The more I travel, the more I learn, the more I see – the better it is for me, better to understand life.  One day, if I keep looking, keep manifesting, I will receive exactly what I intended. It is  easier to be direct with intentions without the energy of unwanted things occupying space. See for me – it’s all connected; minimalism, spirituality, veganism (vegetarianism). Learning the principles of dharma in our often chaotic, modern consumerism driven world.

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About Dharma:

Happiness is a state of mind, so the real source of happiness must lie within the mind, not in external conditions.

“Everyone wants to be happy and no one wants to suffer, but very few people understand the real causes of happiness and suffering. We tend to look for happiness outside ourself, thinking that if we had the right house, the right car, the right job, and the right friends we would be truly happy. We spend almost all our time adjusting the external world, trying to make it conform to our wishes. All our life we have tried to surround ourself with people and things that make us feel comfortable, secure, or stimulated, yet still we have not found pure and lasting happiness.

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I had a bit of a rough ride, got a little lost on the way and that is exactly why you all love and appreciate me today. My journey is ongoing. I just hadn’t quite figured out how to let it all go. I missed all these people and all these place and all these things and it was, and still is, making is hard to just be present. The material memory wasn’t making it better. It was weighing me down.  I need to be here; be in Edmonton. Living my life without constantly wanting, wish and hoping to be buying more plane tickets and to escape the harsh realities of the decisions I have made. Because no one else made those decisions, I did. I am not sinking in some misery hole of bad decisions. Nor am I always a pensive mess; large amounts of depression have not permeated my life. I am just working on getting rid of shitty people, shitty things and finding all that abundance and happiness within.

It is in there, in its simplest form, begging to be unleashed.

So while minimalism is a current trend. Ancient religions like Hinduism, Buddhism etc have been practicing none suffering and dharma for centuries.

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” – Buddha

With that friends – I urge you to use your phone like the powerful tool that it is … read more interesting things, feed your brain and feed your soul. In the end  – the only one that can do that for you is you. It is all found within.

With Love & Light,

C

 

debt debt debt debt debt debt debt debt

It is all consuming!

Student Loan debt.

It’s the bane of my existence.

Have you ever dumped “student loan repayment” or “student loan debt” into Google and seen all the personal bloggers talk about the enormous amounts of student loans that need a monster pay off.  It is crazy the amount of student loan debt that people carry. CRAZY! Some of those blogger around 100k … how does a school, government or country even allow this shit to happen?! It is appalling the price we pay for education which for a lot of people lands them a job teaching English in Asia trying to figure out a way to pay it all off. Or working multiple jobs trying to crush that debt so they can move on with their lives.

I am know different. I have had student loan debt since 2003 when I moved to Nova Scotia to finish my undergraduate degree. I then acquired more debt starting in 2012 when I moved to Alberta to do a diploma in hopes to find work in Canada that paid a decent salary.

Currently, 2017 …. I moved to Edmonton about 18 months ago with a seriously large amount of commercial debt (on top of student loan debt and with an addition of car loan debt). My biggest spiral that caused problems mostly came from NSF charges from my bank accounts. I wouldn’t be able to get a stop payment in or it wouldn’t be possible and then because my credit isn’t good enough for an overdraft I would spiral. Then all of the sudden I am living in a dire situation. Anyway – my point is. I moved to Edmonton, found some cheap housing and I fucking hustled. I paid down all that excess debt with the exception of my car and my student loans. I, like everyone else, experienced fatigue; working 2 jobs is soul sucking. I experienced debt fatigue; I booked some trips abroad to feed my soul. Fell back into a debt routine. But that large debt – it is still looming, 10 years after graduating with my degree and 2 years after SAIT and it is still holding me back.

So here I am on Blue Monday in January of 2017  – the most depressing day of the year – and realize I need to figure out a way to move forward with student loan repayments. So I am on the internet looking for ways I can make this the easiest, quickest, most painless way to get my debt paid down, and feel the freedom and a zero debt balance.

I think I need some accountability for debt repayment. I need a no buy. I need to put my foot down and move forward with full on annihilation of Student loans. So I am starting with asking you, the interwebs, for your best tips and tricks and how you did it? How did you power through 50K of student loan debt?