Carol’s Log: January 09-13

  • Current Location: … in bed, in a hotel room with no pants in Prince George, BC
  • Current Eats: Starbucks bbq kettle chips & cheese strings (vegan fail) and a Diet Coke
  • Current Feels: exhausted but determined to be productive today 

 

Somehow it is like basically the middle of January – how the fuck did that happen?!

Alright buckle in because here we go! Things, Friends, have been random as fuck and since I decided I needed to start writing more here is a little encounter of some random ass shit that had been going on:

I decided in an attempt to restore some balance in my life that I needed to figure out a way to pick up some secondary work. Work that I can do from my computer with out investing to much money. This has lead me to venture into the idea of teaching English online. Teaching online only so I can bring it on the road with me. So I have spent most of my afternoon on YouTube watching hilariously bad, overly animated teaching videos and I am still torn if I want to actually do it – but the videos are entertaining. I mostly just wanted to see if the company was actually viable and that they paid there teachers. But also to see if that kind of schedule would work with my currently life schedule which is pretty much all over the map.

I have been having some issues in my mouth.  I had a tooth pulled in October of last year that I thought was going to fix the problem buuuuut just on Monday of this week I had to pop into the dentist which lead to a scalpel and bone files and stitches. It has been less than a week and it has already started to grow back …. the dentist said if it keeps growing I’d need to go and see a bone specialist. I just need the problem to go away with out spending months trying to figure out why bone is growing in the wrong direction in my mouth. I also cannot afford some crazy ass dental procedure right now. But also – what the actual fuck?!

Today I got pulled into secondary in PRINCE FUCKING GEORGE BRITISH COLOMBIA for a “random check” and the customs guy freaked out on me about some watermelon cigarettes I bought in Mexico like 3 pairing ago … that were half gone – he then went on a tangent about how crew are the worst and then I watched him dig into my dirty underwear … how do you even take someone seriously when that is happening.

Yesterday in Puerto Vallarta while chilling by the pool we were talking to this man and his husband and at one point one of the guys just swims up to me and says: “You have the biggest tits I have ever seen” … ummm, thanks?!

On a bright note we got free drinks by the pool all day because the Mexicans are the sweetest!

I legit bought a Coconut La Croix and felt hipster AF doing it and I am going to drink that shit while I am editing this blog – probably after I drink craft beer and eat pizza with my crew because what the hell else are we going to do in PG, BC!

That is mostly the randomness of the last two days, I need some pizza, a shower and to sleep … then back off into the sun tomorrow.

*** While reading this to edit I just all the sudden thought my life sounded cooler than it is – I mean Coconut La Croix, who am I?

Catch you on another random afternoon,

xoxo,

C

 

 

 

2019: Bucket Lists & Tangible Goals

  • Location: Cancun, Mexico
  • Currently Eating/Breakfast: Mexican Doritos with cilantro guacamole and a light coke (weight watchers fail)
  • Smokes: Zero (but it is still early)

It is actually really nice in Cancun today. It is 27C but the sun isn’t shinning bright and it doesn’t really feel like a beach day for me today. I am not overly sad about that but mostly because I am exhausted. After a few drinks last night I literally slept for 13 hours. I absolutely had to have the melatonin to sleep because my anxiety has been so bad that I literally cant get more than 3 or 4 hours at a time lately.  My body clock is off and I am ready for a few days off.

This week I actually got into a conversation with someone about top 10 bucket list items. I literally rattled off a few things that have been on my bucket list for YEARS … like I am talking a decade – that I have actually never done and always thought – one day, one day I will do that. I wrote down a list in my bullet journal of bucket list stuff and realized that I needed to make some tangible goals about actually achieving some of the items.  I mean it is a bucket list so there are lots of items on there that are massive undertakings and require a certain about of money to make happen. This time I actually added to the list things that I never had before like … PAY OFF MY STUDENT LOANS  … things like that are seriously a slow progression and not happening without hard work and a whole lot of budgeting.

In the spirit of “its the end of the year and I should makes goals for 2019” – I actually thought it would be fun to list out some of my bucket list items and to actually try and accomplish one of them in 2019. I haven’t decided completely but honestly if you don’t take a dream, analyze it to death and start with small steps to the bigger goal it’ll never get done.

So here is my top 10ish list as of today:

  1. Take the train from Beijing to Moscow via Mongolia

  2. Stay in an ashram in India/travel India

  3. Travel through the ‘Stans – but mostly Uzbekistan 

  4. go to Rythmia healing centre in Costa Rica

  5. Write & Publish a novel

  6. Become a successful content creator on youtube or a blog or podcast or some combination of all of the above

  7. Open a vegan coffee shop/café/ sustainable food place

  8. Make a vegan cook book

  9. Pay off my loans and have a moment to understand what debt free feels like

  10. Buy a Sprinter Van (or something similar) and convert it into a living space – tiny house life

 

Now that is a list Friends – The thing that I have learned over the years is that if I set myself unrealistic goals then I will surely never accomplish them. But if I am truthful to myself about things I can actually accomplish I am more likely to see success and keep going.

Lets break down the things I think I want to work on in 2019:

Goal 1: Paying down my debts. This has been something I have been working on for while now but I actually made a practical debt repayment plan in the spring of 2018 that I am still following and if all goes to plan I will be completely debt free in 2.5 years. All the hard work I have been doing with actually start to slowly show its efforts this year but I do owe a chunk of money to student loans and when you compare that to my annual income  – it is a lot for me. So I guess without going into to much detail on that bucket list item  – just know I am working on it and I won’t see the end of that for a couple more years.

Goal 2: I would like to do one of my travel bucket list items this year. If I am being truthful the train trip is gonna be super expensive and I just don’t have the money for that right now  (see goal one) …  And I don’t actually want to take that much time off of work just yet – so that leaves me with Uzbekistan and Costa Rica – both on the list, both take less time. So I will spend the next couple of weeks researching and seeing what I actually need to make those trips happen, look into cost and visas and all the things and start planning that for one of my holidays this year. Small goal, easily accomplished.

Goal 3: The vegan eBook. I get people asking me all the time for recipes and if they can come over for food I have prepared. I love cooking. I have a vegan Instagram right now that I have been building followers on. I just think it would be super fun to figure out how to actually put together and ebook or cookbook of all my favourite recipes.  Maybe just one recipe a week for the year and get it published for Christmas. We will see – also something that needs to be planned out and researched and photographed and edited and all the things.

So here I am, December 30th, in Cancun I have a few more hours to soak up the warm weather and then off to Vancouver.  What is on your bucket list? Have you been trying to break down some of that list into things you can actually accomplish? Leave me a note below sharing your top 2019 must do!!

All the Love,

C

 

 

 

 

 

SO This Is Now

okay … here is the T:

It is almost 11 am as I start to write this, I got woken up this morning by crew scheduling asking me about wanting to work a one day out of a city I no longer live in and then it took forever for me to fall back asleep. I finally did – and had a natural progression of a wake up some time around 830am.

I go down and make myself a coffee – but I spend a lot of mornings alone in hotel rooms drinking coffee in bed flipping through social media and now that is exactly how I want to drink my coffee every day … in silence – but you all know how fucking anti social that is … so I chat for a while only to be eventually head back to my room to start working on some creative stuff.

Things accomplished this AM – making new channel art for my youtube channel that I literally never post on, but doing it anyway – realizing that I just need to write this out and hit publish – doing that … but also plotting my daily domination of meal prep, packing, laundry, grocery shopping, birthday party, computer repair shop and all the other things …. just 2 days of getting it done and trying not to be crazy in the process. My back hurts so bad I can hardly move and honestly my massage yesterday wrecked me something fierce …  I am totally sure being hunched over in my bed while I type this drinking coffee is not going to help either. I woke up this morning feeling like I need to flex my creative muscles so here I am doing that.

I NEED A CREATIVE OUTLET.

I have realized very recently that I thrive in an environment that lets me have a creative outlet and the truth is that no one is going to allow me to focus on that but me. I need to find the time in my not so busy, busy schedule to get it done. Because we make time for the stuff we want to make time for and for a long time I just didn’t make time … but friends … it is time.

I literally signed back into my old blog, reopened my youtube and started looking at ideas for podcasting because why not?

So here I am, end of 2018 and start of year 39 and I am just going to say I have no idea what this is going to look like, I have no idea what I will be focusing on but I do know that I think one of my biggest goals and challenges for 2019 will be to finally get myself into a regular schedule of posting creative content. I guess that means actually sitting down and making a plan – like some sort of goal setting kind of stuff. So you can probably expect something about goal setting for 2019 to come out soon. This post was mostly me just wanting to pop in and say “Hi, I’m here … lets do this!”

So take your day and kill it with productivity and fun – see you on the other side –

xoxo,

C

 

Oh Hi, new job, new life and new adventures ….

Someone had to stand up for me … it might as well of been me  ….

The cat is outta the bag; the metal bars of fear have finally broken: the cheesy lines are a rollin’ and alas change is finally here!

 

“You’ve got to let go of who you were, to become who you will be.”

Friends, Family, Readers … I have finally done it. I have resigned from both my jobs. I have resigned from this life I have created in Edmonton. I have resigned from this insanity. I have finally admitted to myself that I am fucking tired.  I have finally decided that I need to put myself, my health and my mental sanity first. And  … stop doing things I think I should do and start doing things I want to do.

I jumped, arms swinging, heart chakra bursting open to something new.  It is terrifying and super exciting. I have not figured out all the details, I have not sorted everything out, I have not even figured out anything accept on Sunday the 27th of August my journey begins.

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For some time now I have been feeling stressed and depressed and over worked and under paid and dealing with a lot of bullshit and I hit my breaking point. I hit it like a semi truck on a squirrel running across the highway.  It was gnarly. I have felt undervalued and a victim of an abusive work environment. I have taken it out on my kitchen, on my refrigerator and now on my waistline and I am just done. I need to take back what the last two years has stolen from me.

 

 

Everything I was trying to get together has fallen apart because I am so stressed. Working has been all I do, all I talk about and I have given everything with no payoff. My finances are a mess, I gained back all the weight I lost, I am struggling with vegan choices, I struggle with going to the gym. I have lost control of myself, my emotions and my prowess for awesomeness. I got lost. I forgot who I was because I got busy trying to be someone I am not.

Why am I sharing this … because I am gawd damn excited. And with that you should expect the return to travel adventure blogging and vlogging …  lots of laughs and smiles and a whole lots less stress.

Have you even just stood up and said FUCK IT. I’m done?!

I wanna hear all about it below!

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Having a time in Halifax. 2012

 

tell tale signs of impending change

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Fig.1:  When I need to clear my head, clear my thoughts, I go to the water.  Reykjavik Iceland. Greenland Sea.

 

I have a huge decision to make. HUGE. And while for some people that is super easy for some reason at this point in my life (or maybe all points) I am really struggling with decisions. I stress like an overthinking motherfucker, I lose sleep, I talk to everyone about, I even go as far as being physically unable to sleep, socialize or do anything normal because of it.

In my later years I have noticed patterns or things I do when a massive change in my life is about to occur:

  1. Anxiety. My anxiety reaches an all encompassing level.  I literally walk around in days in a full blown anxiety attack. I even wish I had friends these days with Xanax or something of that nature. I have an inability to focus, to have conversations, to just be a normal person doing normal things.
  2. I buy hair dye. Currently at home I have lavender and pastel pink, both wash out in 6 washed but nonetheless I bought the hair dye – lots of hair dye. I then do something stupid to my hair. I usually then spend 6 months repairing said stupid hair decision.
  3. UNSUBSCRIBE.  This time I unsubscribed to all the YouTubers I was following who weren’t aligned with my current mission. I also deleted Facebook and YouTube from my phone. In the past I have deleted social media apps – take away all social influence.  I also turned off notifications to everything on my phone so I am not getting 5000 little icons telling me to watch videos, pay attention to traffic, weather pop ups and everything else. I shut off.
  4. Clean out my closet and donate. This will inevitably be a weekend project. But I have so many things that I don’t wear, don’t fit or are just not right. Get rid of old me stuff.
  5. Eat up all the things in my freezer. I am a meal prep machine. Often I make extra so I can freeze them. But every now and again my freezer goes all crazy and I need to eat up everything and start fresh.
  6. Clean out my cupboards. Same concepts. Clean out and regroup.
  7. Drink tea. Tea is so relaxing and it makes you think. I forget to attempt to shut everything off.
  8. Think about it to a point that I can no longer write about it.
  9. Finally reach a point that I can write  – hello blog post?!@
  10. Agonize over every possible life solution and try to make what I deems is a sound, grown up decision.

The truth is since I moved to Edmonton. Life hasn’t been that much fun. I have had fun times but over all I feel low most of the time. I have consistently worked 50-60 hours a weeks to at first catch up on bills and now to pay for my life.  In the last year I have dabbled on and off with weight watchers in hopes to get back to my healthy self. However, it has proven to be incredible difficult with working so much. So a few months ago I decided I needed a better paying job. I needed to change things up. I needed something different.  So my decision is contemplating a shift. Choosing me and health before choosing a job and money.

 

I got offered something that isn’t in my field that I would be a perfect fit for. I accepted it instantly doing all the things I need to do to make it happen. Then I realized my current life with all my bills that the perks of this job  wouldn’t be perks because I would never be able to actually use them making me wonder if it really is worth it. Enter Crisis.

So now I am about a few weeks out and I need to make decisions. I need to wake up, smell the coffee and get all grown up about what my actual needs, desire and wants are. What the fuck do I want my life to look like?

As I savagely tear apart my apartment I wonder what the universe has in store of me. See I have known for a long time there are no right or wrong decisions just choices. And with every choice there are pros and cons and you just have to fucking deal with the consequences of your choices. How do you make a decision knowing all those things? I am proposing a plan. I am just going to throw it out in the universe and if it is meant to be, it’ll happen. Nothing else I can do about it.

How do you deal with impending change? What are you go to decision making solution? What do you do when you really want something but road blocks are there?

 

Why I HATE Christianity

I try really hard to not get into conversations that discuss Christianity.

I am not religious. Spiritual yes, Christian fuck no!

Christianity is a toxic topic for me and the drivel that comes out of my mouth when people talk about it is disgusting. It wasn’t until recent years that I realized that I hate the concepts of Christianity with every fiber of my being.

I remember a time when I was young and out at a sleep away camp. I forget the name of the camp but I was young and it was a new camp. I recalled being at a session where some Camp Counselor told me that unless I got down on my knees and begged God to be able to follow him I would never be a true Christian and I would burn in Hell.

I cried.

I had always been taught that God chose me. I felt confused and scared.

I didn’t want to do it, but I had too. I felt bullied into being a Christian.

Fast forward many years and my parents forced me to attend church and youth group. I HATED youth group because I always thought the kids where picking on me and didn’t want to be my friend. I was not in the same elite social circle of Paster’s kids at the time and they let me know it. And what was worse than all of that was – if I didn’t attend these two events on a weekly basis I wasn’t allowed to go out with my school Friends.

I think it was at that age I realized that Christians can be fucking assholes.

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So when people ask me about the church and about religion – I can go on a rant about how I think most Christian are assholes. And I do. I can pick out all the things that prove my point, all the bullshit around the stories of the Bible. I will go there if I need too. I have even gone so far as to delete certain friends from my social media feed because I can’t stand the Christian bullshit they post.

Yesterday at work we were talking about how people can only really have an opinion based on their unique experience at life. And while you, the reader or Friend, may feel completely different that I do about religion and Christianity. My opinions are shaped by a pretty menacing unfair undertone and by mistreatment and unfairness that was part of my childhood.

What I didn’t understand as a child but I understand now is that that camp counselor was dealing with something in their own right and that they felt that they needed to be a servant of Gad – that feeling had nothing to do with me.  My parents were dealing with whatever struggles they were presented with and that shitty treatment was their insecurity and anxiety and had nothing to do with me.

Humans are simple creatures. Attitudes, perceptions are always a reflection of yourself and what you are going through. So remember that the next time someone is telling you what kind of spirituality you need, or what kind of God you need to believe in. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

While I will likely never change my adult perception of Christians because of some super scaring childhood memories – it is best to understand it is completely based on my perspective. I have found something else that works for me.  And, so should you.

Love, Light and Perceptive.

xoxo,

C

 

 

Do you keep fighting for a better life or give up for something more realistically mediocre?

This.

I can’t stop thinking about this the last little while. I don’t know what is wrong with me. It is like I have lost all sense of self worth. I keep replaying that conversation in my head from 10 years ago when someone I was close to said to me: “I see you still think you are going to have an amazing life, I have realized that I will just live a mediocre life”  … it stung. Like I lived in this hopeless dream world and that I would amount to nothing. So I often wonder – am I trying too hard to be something I will never be? Should I just settle in my life realizing that I will never have things I really want?

See a couple days ago a super good friend of mine told me I care too much about paying off my student loans and that I should pay the minimum and move on. I didn’t say anything at the time but I totally disagree. But then I realized I reek of poverty. I always have. My money stress is written all over my expression and my anxiety and my everything.

I feel vomit brewing in my throat and a slow nausea forming over my body – realizing how poor you really are is terrifying – but necessary to grow out of it, grow from it – build.

I just want my fucking break. I just want the universe to give me a goddamn break and stop making everything so fucking hard.


 

That was me a few months ago – feeling stressed. Today I decided to clean out my drafts folder on my blog. Most of what I was reading was me talking about how I don’t want to do this life anymore. But I promised myself that I needed to be at my full time job for at least 2 years. I promised myself I wouldn’t find a new job until I got my wisdom teeth out.

But a couple of weeks ago I finally did it, I finally got my wisdom teeth pulled  – and while I was in my T3 Coma  a job interview application can through that has provided me an offer that would start at exactly my 2 year mark at full time job. Is that a sign? I asked the universe for a sign and she delivered.

I had been putting off getting my bottom two teeth out for almost 10 years. Mostly because dental insurance only comes with a decent job and I didn’t have that until know, also because I didn’t have the money. It is interesting to me that I needed to wait all this time to get my teeth pulled because without insurance it would’ve cost about $1000 and now that I have more money and a job with insurance it cost me $233! How fair is that ?? Is this what it is like to be in the 1%  (FYI: I am not that person – just referring to the ease that comes with more money). It is definitely nice to be in a position to take care of these things.

The thing is, I have a lot of decisions to make now. There has been an opportunity that presented itself. And while I don’t believe in right or wrong decisions – I do believe that that universe opens door that you should take. Sometimes the doors of opportunities seem lackluster and a fight and are not inline with your passion  – you don’t get the job or the guy or whatever it is because it isn’t right but then when you are ready – you get offered a dream,.

This job doesn’t offer me the world but I think it offers me more freedom. And one thing I think I am lacking is freedom. So I am off making a pros and cons list – trying to figure out what the answers and how to chose a better life for myself. Because I know that person settled for mediocrity, they made a choice and that choice I never have to make.

 

 

Is there a price tag on your freedom?

There is a lot swirling in my head today. I mean  – a lot. It’s like have a million tabs open and being so excited to dive into all of them but I can’t pay attention long enough to read a full article and I just keep opening new tabs. That’s how I feel today.

I slept in this morning; not on purpose. I have been finding it happening a lot lately. I’m losing interest in my job. I have also lost my gusto to work somewhere that I feel under appreciated. I’m exhausted. I work a lot, therefore I am tired a lot, but also I take on a lot of projects because I just feel like I need to create something. I am determined to create something. I am determined to have more. I do not have to let my past life define my current life.

I think it is super important to talk about freedom. Because right now, in my current life, I feel like I don’t have a lot of it. I feel like I am somewhat trapped in a place that I don’t really want to be. And, I just have a hard time accepting things because it is  something I am “supposed” to do.  I have never felt that in my life. I mean you don’t end up half way around the world camped out in a hostel without really living outside the box a bit.  Recently though, I discovered that there is a price tag on freedom. See a good friend of mine recently moved back to Korea. And while I realize that I could do that too, I also realized that my life wouldn’t be the same if I moved to Korea. It wouldn’t be the same because there is a price tag on my freedom. That prices tag is around $42,000.00 give or take a few dollars.

It is a huge burden. And, its holding me back. I have other friends in my life that moved abroad to teach and  obsessively talk about paying off there loans. I don’t know any one that successfully paid off there loans while living abroad teaching. (if you are one of those people – holla below!)  I knew it would never happen making minimum wage. And I know first hand 3 jobs can be a bit of a demon. Two is soul sucking enough and not really a long, long term plan.

I know nothing comes easy, there is no quick fix to all of this drama. There is no such thing as the 4 hour work week. we need to hustle – but I think it might be about picking the right hustle. Just for a moment in my adult life I want to feel what it is like I have some financial freedom?

Do you feel like there is a price tag on your freedom? How much is it?

What are you doing to change it?