HUATULCO: Pacific Ocean Boat Rides, 6 Degrees of Separation & Icy Cold Dos Equis

It was only a few nights ago that I was in a random taco bar in Huatulco, Mexico with my crew. Sometimes flying is like having 2 Dads and some step siblings all crammed together trying to make group decisions. Every now and again you get a group of people that just kind of fit and when you find them – you just need to go with it. 

Our little road family was pretty cute. We banded together for our 48 hours in Mexico – on a mission to experience some things, be out in the sun and remember why working as aircrew can be a super amazing job. 

Huatulco is in the Oaxaca region of Mexico. Oaxaca is found on the Pacific side just where the country does a geographical turn on the map and the continent starts to get more narrow. The only reason I actually know where Oaxaca is located is from my younger years as a Barista. I got a job at a Second Cup when I first moved to Calgary some 20 odd years ago. Second Cup was all about coffee but also learning about coffee kinda stuff and being knowledgeable about random things like growing regions and flavors in the soil. Oaxaca is absolutely a coffee growing region in Mexico and they make fine, fine coffee.  

Anyway, after a gong-show of a flight down to Mexico I was feeling pretty spent. In fact – I actually had to take refuge up in the flight deck for a little 15 min break in the last quarter of the flight. I had a chat with the guys about how I thought I might actually bail on the crew for some alone time. 

HUX beer me
Ice Cold Dos Equis

But as every good crew member knows – those decisions can’t be made till you are in your hotel room, out of your uniform and back in the world of normalcy -As soon as I was changed and breathing in that humid Mexican air I was ready for some Dos Equis. 

 

It was that first night – in a little local taco shop just a half block from the square in La Crucecita that I realized that the 6th degree of separation bullshit was actually a thing. I was telling the crew that I had lived on the East Coast of Canada and that I went to university out there. I wasn’t wearing my x-ring so when I mentioned I went to university in Antigonish the Captain leaned over to check my hand  – what do you know; The Captain on my crew just happened to go to the same University as me.  

HUX me
Me – reppin’ my East Coast Lifestyle gear like a motherfucking boss!

Like the typical people from the East Side we went off on a tangent to figure out if we had any commonalities and there you have it- he just so happened to be friends with a professor I held dear to my heart. 

It is crazy to me that everything sort of leads back to that place for me. That place that tried me so much. The place that changed me. The place that took my life in a very different direction. The place where I understood my childhood but hated it all at the same time. The place that I didn’t realize kind of unraveled me until I painstakingly put myself back together some 10 years later.  You get so connected to your own story that it becomes hard to rewrite it. Figuring out a new path, changing your identity, your story – it’s hard work. I have become fixated on trying to figure out who I truly am – understanding, growing. Can I see through that time and that darkness or will I forever be cloaked with that sadness that leaves so much hollowness inside? Are we supposed to spend our entire life searching? I digress.

HUX boatDinner in the Taco bar led to morning plans to spend the following day together. We all met for breakfast and sat in the square in Santa Cruz having Oaxacan coffee and chiliqilies. I opted for a vegetarian version and when those barely cooked eggs showed up on top of  my food I wanted to barf. I guess I am more vegan than I thought. The iced coffee was divine though. After breakfast we headed down to the beach to find a boat for hire. That is when we got linked up with Jamie – our boat guy – for barely $40 CND each we had hired out a private boat named Johanna II  for the day to do some bay hopping, see some secluded beaches, snorkel and of course day drink. 

We headed back to the hotel to grab our gear while Jamie iced our beer and tequila. We set out on a boat on the Pacific Ocean to explore this tiny area in Mexico. Admittedly I felt like the outsider of the group. But even though I was feeling slightly odd after a couple of drinks none of that stuff mattered.  I had a great time drinking tequila and beer and plunging off the side of the boat into the crystal clear waters. I barely thought about the yellow bellied poisonous snakes at all. 

HUX water
Jumping off the side of the boat into a bay after far to much beer and tequila. 

 

My previous experiences with Mexico have been in Cancun and Puerto Vallarta. Busy party central districts – Huatulco felt nothing like this. I swear to you Huatulco is where all the old hippies go -It might be because we were in the town of Santa Cruz which is part of the Huatulco region and not at a resort. It might be because Huatulco is pretty underdeveloped; you can see where they have made plenty of attempts but never actually finished construction on something – but this is a super chilled out area full of people just wanting to be in Mexico in a different capacity. You can see there are all sorts of great resort type projects on the go that have just been left abandoned. It is sad to see but at the same time it makes this area significantly less busy, less people around. It actually feels like a more authentic type of Mexico – whatever the hell that means. 

Getting up on morning two we had about three quarters of the day to just be. We headed down for a crew breakfast at Itoo – which if you are in town is a must. Fresh squeezed juices, and a menu of authentic Mexican food kinda written in English if you need that sort of thing. We sat around and chatted and made a collective decision for some beach time. 

The beach that was linked with our hotel on the Bahia de Santa Cruz wasn’t the prettiest I saw in my 48 hours. But for some last minute sunshine and some time for reading it did the trick.  I tapped out early to head back to my room to mentally prepare for my flight home. Maybe it was the full moon energy but things have been feeling off and I am definitely one that needs a lot of alone time. Sometimes to much. But preparing for work takes time, mental preparation and sometimes meditation. 

Landing back in Calgary makes the little bubble pop. Your little group just disperses and you go back to your normal life and normal things and cold weather. It’s like it never happened. It’s a crazy life how you weave through people and connections and experiences and end up exactly where you were – some of you cross paths again but it’s never in the same circumstances, people or places. You can’t relive a moment or time – you just carry on with the good parts. 

Life.  It’s interesting like that. 

Thanks Mexico, Onward.

 

It is February 2020 – here are the 5 things I can not stop thinking about …

I have been a bullet journaling mad woman trying to plan everything out in my life – from things I want to write about to what I actually want to achieve. Maybe I am just taking a bit of a goals reset I am not sure, but this is the list of the top 5 that have been on my mind lately:

  • How can I make an extra 10K this year to put on my Federal student Loan so I can be debt free by January 2021?  As the #debtfreecommunity grows and Dave Ramsey becomes a superstar there is more and more clutter on social media space about becoming debt free. I paid off a huge amount of debt in January of 2020 and I tell you – it is so fucking liberating. I feel like a part of me got my life back. Now I have the momentum I want to just crush out the last 30k. #justwatchme
background balance business commerce
Photo by Jessica Lewis on Pexels.com
  • It is probably because I have been watching so many vanlifers on Youtube but I really, really want to backpack around Mexico. It seems like a well traveled spot for my first solo trip in a super-duper long time. So, I have been gathering information for a bit of what I am temporarily calling ‘Yucatan Adventure: a Mexican Backpacking Trip for your 40ies’. I have got some holidays coming up – and heck, it is good to just think about going somewhere even if it doesn’t happen.  I have basically been scared to dramatically live for some time now and I need to baby step into a solo trip that gets me out there, ready to explore and to gain my confidence back.
colorful painted buildings
Photo by Raul Juarez on Pexels.com

 

  • I have all the vegan health books (Starch Solution, McDougall, Eat to Live, How Not to Die) – I have a gymvnt membership, a 30 min hit membership, BeachBody on Demand and WW – goodness I can make weight loss happen in 2020 (she types while eating seven eleven taquitos) Now what I really need to do it make healthy choices 90% the time so the number goes down on the scale. What is the best way to track my calories in vs calories out – unclear?  Obviously taking suggestions. I have become increasingly aware of my poor eating habits and I need to be super aware of the food that I put in my mouth and my workouts. Sometimes I am just so blissfully unaware of the calories in very unhealthy vegan food.
blue tape measuring on clear glass square weighing scale
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
  • I need a style makeover, or I just need more clothes or need the weight to come off faster so more of my clothes fit me. But also, I have become a different person and I think I need a slightly different look. Maybe I just finally want to look my age or I have hit and actually 40 life crisis – I feel like I need a signature look. I need to start dressing for the success that I want to achieve. Because sometimes you just need to look the part.

 

  • The existential question – what do I want out of life? And is what I am doing enough? If I could have every day be the exactly perfect day what would it look like? Would I own a vegan cafe? Would I be a professional artist? Would I be married? Would I have kids? What is it that I am actually after in life?

 

I know – the mind can be a powerful took for manifesting greatness, you need to use it wisely. Think about things you want to manifest. So Friends, what kinds of greatness are you bring into this life?

Tell me below what is occupying your brain space in the early part of 2020?

 

 

 

 

Today is Strange.

I am literally having the strangest day ever.

Let me paint the picture for you:  It is about 430pm on a Monday – I am sitting in my car – a 2013 FIAT 500 2 door, hatchback – in Nose Hill Park in Calgary, overlooking the city – it is a pretty nice fall day.  I am anxious as fuck. I woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to write or create or something like that, mostly I just felt like I needed to get outta the house. It is hard for me to be in my own home (to be clear by own home I mean the room I rent in Calgary that is literally just a room rental). I left my house twice with my laptop thinking I wanted to find a café to drink a tea and finish a post I was writing about getting my finances in order. But I left both of those places feeling … off. And now, strangely enough, here I am, parked in my car with a beautiful view –  with my laptop, writing in my car.

I feel suffocated.

I feel so suffocated that I need to roll down my window in a dusty wind situation.

I have been feeling suffocated a lot lately. I am feeling that – plus unsure and not knowing. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I am eating my feelings one bag of NoName Sour Cream & Onion chips at a time. I am literally filling my body with swill. Every time I look in the mirror I make a comment in my head about my weight and how I look. I feel gross. It is like I stopped caring but I haven’t – like I have given up but I haven’t … I dunno what is going on in my head but here I am sitting in my car looking at the changing fall leaves feeling like something big is about to happen. I can feel it.

You know for a long time in life – I really used to think there was no harm in believing you were better than you were. Growth, you know. But as I approach my 40th year around the sun  I think it might be time that I take a different approach. Less dreaming, more reality. One time someone asked me if I still believed I was going to have a charmed life – he knew his life would be mediocre – at the time I didn’t realize that I was the very thing I hated. I believed I was better than I was, entitled to more than I am and was so gawd damn obtuse about it I didn’t know I was thinking it.

The winds of change have arrived.

The thing I am learning all the time is to feel less guilt and feel less shame and learn to feel more happiness, freedom and strength. I am a master of self help reading but not a master of self help doing.

I used to be an all-in kinda lady. Like if I was going out and getting fucked up – I was coming home the most fucked up, if I was getting high I was getting so gawd damn high I couldn’t keep my eyes open – like the kind of high that people worried about you (Gawd I miss that). There was no just have one beer or two. It was all or nothing. Then I spent a long time being a nothing gal. Recently I have decided I want to be a half in Gal. Somewhere along the way t become a better human I forgot that humans need to have fun. Then I realized I forgot what fun was like. I realized that I have become a hermit.

Anyway, sitting in my car I realized how great it would  to actually go after one of my big dreams. for example – I have wanted to rebuild the interior of a van to live and work in. I have been dreaming of the tiny living for sometime. Instead of committing to a sprinter van and a permanent van home – maybe I can commit to a caravan and weekend warrioring. See what I am getting at – I set my bar to high and then get sad when I don’t achieve it.

I have an end of year move thought lingering in my head, a huge debt repayment happening and then things will begin to shift. I am ready.

Self reflection, Friends, it is a part of growth. It is needed. In whatever strange way to let it happen. For me, today, it is sitting in my car on the top of a hill, writing out my feelings. Thanks for coming along of the journey.

Where are you at in your goals for 2019? Are you making things happen??

xoxo,

C

 

10 beginner things to do right now to START getting your financial shit together …

It is 2019 and you know what is sexy as fuck … being a financial badass!

You know what else is sexy??  …. having a handle your your money, being an adult and dealing with your shit like a mother fucking boss. The more I get my money shit together, the more I don’t get the people that don’t.  Seriously though, those are words I never thought I would ever say. Truth is I used to be a wreck, I really did  … but times have changed. I’m all grown up … so here is a list of things that helped me get started on my path to financial freedom:

 

  1. Become financial literate. Read. Listen. Research. The only way to learn about how to get your money shit together is to actually learn about money. Do your homework. Start following some budget gurus. Find someone that you can relate to when they talk about money – there is a lot of information out there – take the time to learn about it. Put it into practice.
  2. Get real with yourself – What do you owe? You can’t start anything until you make an honest effort to understand what you owe. You need to open up all the statements and process the amount owing, the interest you need to pay, how far you are behind and what you need to get ahead. You need to answer all the  creditor phone calls and figure out where you stand. As scary as it is – you just need to know the damage so you can move forward.
  3. On a spread sheet – either pen and paper or an excel spreadsheet – list out all the debts. Even better – list out everything you need to spend money on every month. All the debts & their interest and their payment dates. All your other bills – all the due dates. Where is your money going every month? You need to know this so you can you can tell your money where to go instead of panicking and trying to figure out what to do with what is left.
  4. Open a second (or third or fourth) bank account, you need to have at least one for bills and one for spending. Only carry the card for spending so you only spend your spending money. You need to have separate accounts for paying delinquent debts and collectors and only one place if you have agreed to let an automatic deposit come from your account. An unpopular opinion but something I do – stop all automatic payments and actually pay things yourself. if you chose to do this – you need to actually make the payments and be SUPER on top of your money.
  5. Pay. Things. On. Time. …  you need to avoid more interest, late payment charges, NSF charges and basically anything that requires you to pay extra on the debt you are already paying.
  6. Figure Out a Starting Snowball – pay minimum payments on everything accept the smallest debt – anything extra put on the smallest debt until it is pad off. Feeling the mother fucking joy of actually paying something off will motivate you to pay off other things.
  7. Cut Out All Extra Expenses – Do you need that latte or can you make a delicious coffee at home? Do you need that book? Can you go to the library? or read it online?
  8. LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS …. your rent/ mortgage should not amount to more than 30% of your income. Tally what your take home money is … and figure that out. Are you paying to much to live? Can you make it cheaper? Get a roommate, Airbnb, Short Term Rental?
  9. COOK FOOD AT HOME. I know, I know – but it is so much cheaper.  Learn to cook, drink some Kumboucha with dinner or Wine or whatever … MEAL PREP, MEAL PREP, MEAL PREP …. if you tally up how much your spend monthly on food it is probably insane – cooking a good portion of your meals at home is healthier AND will cost you less money
  10. Find hobbies that a) keep you fit and b) earn you extra income … free hobbies are the best hobbies to find while you try and get your financial shit together.

 

Keep yourself sane – make a treat wishlist for when you hit certain financial goals. Paid off the first credit card – maybe you can treat yourself those shoes you really wanted – paid off you massive soul crushing student loan – maybe it is time for a new laptop. You get my point – in the journey to get yourself in a better position you need to treat yourself as well …

That is all I have for today – still plucking away on the second debt in my snowball. Feel the pending joy already.

Baby steps to big success,

xoxo

C

I AM WILLING.

Lately I have been reading all sorts of books that I need time to think about, not like your typical fiction stuff that you can just plow through but the non fiction stuff that maybe you want to slow down and think about – process if you will.

Finally this last pairing I got into a space where I could actually think about the stuff that Gary John Bishop writes about in the Unfuck Yourself book.

Literally I want to say this is the maybe the first chapter.

(write 4 sentences take a phone break – this is why these things never get published)

Anyway – willingness. Am I willing to do what it takes to get what I want?! The thing is – for a lot of things, the answer to this lately has been just a big fat fucking no! Am I willing to change the way that I eat? Am I willing to start exercising more? Am I will get another job? Am I will to do things that make me uncomfortable to get the things that I want? Am I willing?

The answer of course has to be yes. But lately I have noticed that I can be really lazy and unmotivated. And normally my friends just say, hey – that is okay – sometimes you need a lazy day – and then I continue to just be lazy for all the days.  When the truth is – I need to use my time more effectively, I need to use my time more efficiently, I need to use my time instead of Netflix-ing my time away.

I am just so damn suggestible – just saying that makes me want to flip on something on Netflix and watch an episode, which will turn into multiple episodes and I will dwindle my day away and not push myself because instead of failing  – I just don’t do.

INSTEAD OF TRYING I GIVE UP AND STOP.

Often I just claim I can’t – I give up often before I even begin. I think the years of instant gratification has caused me to truly believe that I can’t. I used to be able to just put my mind to something and focus and just do it. I was known for it. But since I plowed through all sorts of things – some with success but many without success I have stopped believing in myself. It is crazy when your really start to look into problems and what caused them, how that can be your ultimate tool for growth.

I have learned that I give up easily. One bad date and I don’t go out again for months. I eat right for a couple days and don’t go down on the scale – I eat a monster bag of potato chips. I eat good for a day and I reward myself with chocolate cake – I mean it’s vegan so it’s good for you, right?! If I literally just finished writing all the blog post that I half-assedly started or even just friggen hit publish I would be in a whole different space – but here I am …

So my question today is .. Am I willing? Am I willing to make the necessary changes to get the things that I want? or am I accepting that I want to stay where I am because I don’t think I am worthy enough for something more.

So here I am on a Monday challenging myself to ask the hard questions, Am I willing to put in the work? And if not, what exactly is holding me back? Ask yourself the same thing the next time you are seemingly struggling with something – are you willing to just do what it take to have the things that you want.

It is true that we are the one thing that is standing in the way of our own success.

Go on – tell me – what is the one thing that you want most that you haven’t asked yourself if you are willing to do the work to achieve it??

 

10 Introverted Side Hustler Things To Do for Fun When You Are Spending Your Money Paying Off Your Debt!

Let me paint the picture for you: It is Good Friday. I worked a redeye from Cancun the night previous and we were mega delayed. Like mega, mega delayed – we were supposed to land at 5 am – we didn’t land till 7am. I had thought that what I would do was sleep for like 6 hours and go to this interview. But by the time I got home from work and got into bed it was close to 10am. But I made a commitment – so on 3 hours of sleep I decided against my better judgement to go this interview for a job that I seriously didn’t even want.

Now I am at a job interview for a place that I literally have no interest in working at … it happens. I want more money. The thing is they ask me what I do for fun. I froze. I literally had no idea what to say – like what do I do for fun these days. It got me thinking probably in a way that I shouldn’t be thinking but seriously it just made me assess what was going on with my life. What the fuck do I do for fun? Who the fuck am I these days …

I literally thought to myself – I don’t have money to have fun. I am that strapped for cash. That is why I am at an interview to work at a smokehouse as a vegan – because I need money so I can have more fun. But this also made me think what are the things that I do do to entertain myself while I focus on paying my bills.

Here is the thing – more than ever before, right now, my primary focus is to pay off my debt. I eat, breathe, sleep paying my bills. Even when I have no money to make the bill payments, I make them – and live off of practically nothing so that I can get myself ahead financially. If you are wondering – it fucking sucks. But I am banking on future me to be happy that past me hunkered down and paid off my fucking bills.

I mean telling someone that what I do for fun is sending hilarious memes to my friends because I can’t afford actual fun seems kind of pathetic but right now it is the truth.

So here are 10 thing I do for fun  – someone that is super introverted, looking for a side hustle and mostly into things that don’t cost me money:

1) Drink coffee or tea and walk on the Calgary/local trails: this is one of my favorite spring/summer/fall things to do. The city I live in is FULL of wicked trails on creeks and rivers and all nature like and honestly I am not tired of them yet. I make coffee or tea and home or bring a hydroflask of water and literally wander for hours. Good for the soul, good for the heart, good for the pocket book.

2) Hike in the Mountains: There are so many awesome trails in day trip proximity to Calgary. If you stay out of Banff you can hike for free. And if the word hiking sounds intimidating – honestly it’s walking in the Mountains. You can make this whatever you want to make it. Download the ALLTRAILS app – you can find all the cool trails near you and it is free.  I wear my thrifted flannels, my Blundstones and bring a backpack. Honestly you don’t need expressive hiking gear to do this and pack a lunch and snacks. If you are extra smart you might pack a few ciders and leave them on ice for when you are done the trail! You could make a small one-time per year investment and get a park pass for the Mountains – it would be worth your while!

3) Netflix: Yes this is a month expense but honestly, I am paying for it anyway so might as well use it. I went through a phase where I was all about watching documentaries. Now I am on a kick where I am trying to watch all the classic movies that I never watched when I was younger. I am embarrassed to admit there is a super long list. I was busy traveling and being outside and going to raves to care about movies back in the day.

4) YouTube: Watch and Create!! There has been a lot of years that I have wanted to be a YouTuber – vlogger. I just travel so much for work that I thought it would be interesting. I love Youtube is it so fun. There are lots of people I follow. It is honestly mega fun to make videos. Everyone that has some sort of phone – use the camera, make the videos, string them together. Just start. Anyone can do this and if you are good enough one day it might be your side hustle but mostly its just fun as fuck to create things.

5) Podcasts: Listen and Create. This is another platform that I love. It is something to do. Literally you can create voice recording on your phone and upload them. Interviewing my friends is super fun to do – just talking without having to actually look presentable is pretty wicked.

6) Take Photos: Instagram. I love taking photos. The camera on my phone is awesome. Why not just find cool spots in the city to take photos and go for it. It is totally free to do and to upload. I have 1000s of wicked photos – if you put in a little google search you can find the coolest places to take photos in most cities.

7) Volunteer (at music festival) – I used to be a mega festival go-er. Times have changes. Money is tight. So now I find a couple festivals I would love to go to and I sign up to volunteer. It keeps me busy AND I get a free festival pass for volunteering. I meet amazingly cool people, still get take in the music and get myself into way less trouble because I have festival commitments AND it just win-win in my mind. Volunteer (the animal sanctuary) – hanging out with animals, spending time outside, learning some new life skills – I think finding things you are passionate about and getting involved is so good for your mental health. If that is working with animals or volunteering with kids. The point of this on is basically just volunteer for things that you find interesting so you can meet people with the same interests. Get involved in your community.

8) Writing/Blogging. Free as fuck. It is just your mind. WordPress is free. You just need to sit down and hammer it out. I love working through my life by writing it out. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. The dream is to write a book – current mission write the plot summary and book ideas out chapter by chapter and then giver.

9) Read: I love non fiction. I really, really love self help. But that doesn’t mean I don’t read other stuff. I trade books, borrow book, use my library card, use the libby app to read online. There are all sort of ways to get free material. Sometimes it is really good to just shut the internet connections down and get lost in a book. Whatever your like.

10) Try new recipes!! I realize this isn’t free but we all have to eat. I love to cook. I love trying new vegan recipes. I love testing out things in the kitchen. This is a good excuse to find cool things to try online or in one of the many cookbooks that I have. Also a great excuse to have friends over – sharing food is the best.

Bonus) Have a few drinks with my friends, drink coffee with my friends – eat out with my friends, travel with my friends – while it is really, really good to stay on top of my finances – it is also super good to spend some money and to not always go the cheap route. It is super duper important to occasionally spend money on yourself. To treat yourself and to say yes to some of the social outings that are offered to you.

 

So here I am folks at the local Second Cup spending my early evening doing something that I find fun which is writing this blog post and think about what I am going to do for my next staycation day.

 

Things I Think About: Burnout & Life Trajectory

 

It is my morning off. I am in Calgary, drinking my very large McDonald’s coffee in my bed watching Youtube – because I have next to zero responsibilities until 1135pm when I need to check in for work. It is a rare occasion I am home alone; the weather has broken its unbearable cold snap to a balmy -4C and it has been a mega mood shifter. Things today seem like they are a -ok. However, the last month or so things have been far from okay.

The truth is – I have been crying a lot lately. And I think we don’t talk about being sad enough. People get sad and it is okay.

I have known for many years that I struggle with winter depression and this winter hit me hard – like really hard. I don’t know if it is the extreme cold the last few weeks, or so much other chaos in my life. But seriously I haven’t cried this much in years. I know it is healthy to let out the frustration but LORDY it has been a lot. Feeling this way always leads to me over committing and under delivering in my life, to my friends, to my family and to basically anyone – I then over-work to deal with all my stress. Because I am a grown ass woman and dealing with stress by working too much is obviously the way to handle life.

One of my biggest, crippling life stressors is finances. I have a lofty goal of crushing out my student loans in the next couple years and I literally have a plan and I am sticking to it. But fuck me it is hard to stay on track and literally limit social interactions just so I can pay off my debt. I am literally barely dressed drinking my coffee reading up on side hustles and wondering if I had an online business what exactly would I sell?! I would love to just get all those bad ass brand deals by posting videos of me drinking umbrella drinks on my overnights in warm locations, but I do actually think it is more work than that. ‘Cuz well imagine if it was that easy? Why would any of us have Monday to Friday jobs?!

Yesterday morning while I was in Puerto Vallarta, I was recording an episode on my podcast about feeling burnt out. I actually found a Forbes articles detailing signs of burn out and I think I hit all 10 of them with a ‘bang on – ya, I sure am’.

See I think that the first part of fixing any sort of life problem is actually realizing you have the problem. Then the fun part begins and that is figuring out  how to solve the problem – like what do I do to stop the burn out from happening because girl needs a payday and also a vacay (that rhythmed and I am very okay with that).

So today I am just being a social media whore. I am writing, I am searching, I am signing up for freelance work websites – I am literally doing all of this from my bed because it feels like I am kind of resting all while getting shit done. Is it the dream? I am not sure but today it feels right!

I am actually curious what the rest of the world does to deal with burn out. How do you deal with that stress of it all? The stress of life? I mean as I approach 40 things seem to be so different than before, life is different – I actually started worrying about different things like retirement funds and buying property and if I will ever be able to retire. I wonder if I will eventually need to settle for a man that is ill suited to me because I long for some sort of companionship that I have yet to find. I think about all sort of things that on the surface seem really, really sad but are just a harsh truth. These are things I think about.

We all get there in life. It happens. We need money, we work too hard, and then we negate all the other things in our life that create balance. I am well aware of the fact that I have lacked balance in my life for a long ass time because I over work ALL THE DAMN TIME. But the truth is it is all on me to fix. There isn’t another person that can fix my trajectory but me. Being aware of your situation certainly helps in the process – because we all know you can’t fix something you don’t know is broken. So it just leaves me with this isolated feeling of what my next steps should be. Am I paralyzed in my own fear? yes – it is hard to make decisions when you feel stressed and burnt out.  It’s so easy to shut the word out and just focus on pushing through and not really thinking of anything else but making it to your end goal. But that just leads to all sorts of questions about what life is really for, right?! like am I having a good enough time? am I laughing enough? do I have enough people around me that support me? Am I enough?

Anyway – here I am just thinking about things – lots of things – am I the only one?