The bag of burritos I needed.

Truth: Even though I had a fairly great job situation in Calgary post SAIT I quit my job and moved to Montreal. I transferred with Starbucks to get me started and took my boho looking, dreadlock sporting self to the city of liberty and freedom and decided it was about time I make a life for myself.  My friend told me there were lots of jobs, and even though I hadn’t actually found anything online and had no response I packed my stuff, shipped my entire life and decided to make a go of it.

Truth: Montreal was the hardest 6 months of my life.

Truth: I struggled with my pay dropping to a quarter of what I was making in Calgary.  I struggled with transferring into a store that instantly and blatantly hated me because I had dreadlocks among other stupid reasons (sidenote: I later actually made some amazing friends and connections at that Starbucks – Monkland represent!). I was already feeling self conscious and that just wreaked havoc on my emotions and my state of mind. I struggled with sleeping on the hardwood floor for 6 months. My self worth was trapped in material possessions.  When I finally made the decision to leave Montreal my options were limited. I didn’t have any money. I was so fucked. My spirit and soul were crushed. Needless to say moving in with my sister and her family for a couple months changed my life. It propelled me to get where I needed to be.

Edmonton has been a lot of growing and progress; baby steps to a brighter future. However, because I moved here under those dire circumstances. Edmonton has always felt like a failure. That my life is a fail. I failed at Montreal. And that, right there, my friends is a lesson I just learned after almost 2 years in Edmonton.

I have felt like a failure in Edmonton because of the hiccup of time I spent in Montreal that crushed my soul.

It is funny how that works.

So while this might sound like a pity party. It is actually a blessing and a break through in my development as a human. I am so focused on why this (Edmonton) was a fail I have failed myself in seeing my success. I feel so profound in my discovery. Like someone has ripped off some blinders.

So how did I get here ?…. Mark Manson.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

Saturday. I read the entire book. It is fresh in my head so I am trying to implement as many of the lessons as I possible can. But the overarching theme is taking a look  at yourself and your self worth and basically working on yourself to become better for you and then others. I am not going to lie it sucks to realize that you are the root cause of all your problems. It sucks to realize that you are causing your own unhappiness from preconceived notions of yourself. But it makes me smile when I think about all the foolish pressure I have put on myself in the last couple of years because I have limiting beliefs about myself. My mind is fucking blown Friends. All the sudden I am peeling back the layers of destructive self hatred and attempting to lift some pressure from myself and work on my own happiness instead of placing that in other people’s hands and other peoples acceptance of me.

Truth: Sometimes I compare Carol today to Carol back then (not Montreal just happier times) to try and learn from the times in my life when I thought I was my happiest. The thing is. Those were times where I literally and wholeheartedly didn’t give a fuck about what anyone else thought. I never listened I just got on the plane and went. I went to Japan. I went to Korea. I went to China. I went to Chile. I went everywhere. I met amazing people. I didn’t give a flying fuck. I have realized recently I don’t actually want to live like that anymore. I like the stability of not having to figure out where I am going to move every year. I like knowing that my job still exist tomorrow. I don’t need visas and immigration and worrying about whether I can afford a visa run. I don’t have to save for my next flight – unless I truly want to. I think all that time I was searching for security and the only one that can provide that is me.

So today I commit to trying my best to stop that self deprecating behavior. Stop comparing myself to other people doing different things at different phases of their lives. And to just breathe. Because honestly I couldn’t of lived my 20ies any cooler than I did. I didn’t get where I am today but not chancing all those things …testing myself.  Learning that I can build a life where ever I go. Learning that people are selfish assholes and that most advice comes for their own personal experiences, drives, desires and failures. I commit to opening myself up to the possibilities of a wonderful life right here in this city – a place that has been so incredibly good for me, my bank account and my financial well being. I also commit to trying to stop interjecting my suggestions when people what to talk to me. My opinion doesn’t matter much.

So if your are reading this thinking – good gawd – know this – I feel like I am bursting with positivity because I unlocked a secret about my life or I finally figured something out. It is going to be a journey to a brighter Carol. It isn’t my first time pulling myself out of a mess. And I have the power to change everything. It’s a choice.

So Friends – are you trapped in a circle of negative behavior and thoughts? Are you trapped on the hamster wheel of self deprecating behavior and don’t know how to jump off? The sad reality is … it is a choice. Bad things may have happened to you but in the end you chose how you feel about it, how you internalize it or if and when it’s time to let go. You chose to stay. You chose to go. Everything is a choice. So you need to chose to not let past experience affect your current life. And it is hard as fuck. But I am sure as fuck it is going to be worth it.

And with that – all my Love and Self help magic vibes!

Stay dirty,

C

 

What keeps you HAPPY?

I recently started reading the book Pivot by Jenny Blake. One of those interesting reads that forces you to look within to figure out to where to go next.

This last little while I have been feeling stagnant in my life:  work, sleep, eat, sleep, go on a date, have it not work, go for a coffee with friends, realize I’m on a different page, sleep, chat with my sisters, visit the shopping store, buy shit, attempt to be fulfilled … blah, blah … I like all those things but it lacks adventure.  I have been feeling stagnant at my job because there is no where for me to advance and in Edmonton as a city as a whole. I feel bored. Boredom to the extent that it is causing me headaches from not being challenged enough.

Normally my next move would be to move. Country hop. Lifestyle hop. Do something that challenges me. However, I am trying to adult. Hardcore. I am trying to get a stronghold on paying off my loans. I promised myself that I wouldn’t move abroad again until I have paid down 20K off my student loans (hint – that is at like 19k and change away OR at very least I need to have paid of my Alberta and Nova Scotia Loans)

And then this came up in my Instagram feed this AM:

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And it hit me hard with the wonderment of this existence in my life. You know, happiness. What is missing? What is lacking? Am I happy with my life here in Edmonton?

With all this information smacked together – I have come to this vortex of knowledge.  The Oprah light bulb moment or “AH-HA” rang its bell. My intentions for Edmonton was money. Pure and simple. I moved to this city out of a place of desperation. I left Montreal crumbled, beaten down and exhausted. I moved back to Alberta and specifically Edmonton because I needed a fresh start, I needed a job in my field and I needed to crush some immediate debt that I acquired living in Montreal.  I was over extended everywhere.

 

However, since I now have paid those debts. Had my debt fatigue trips. And have re-budgeted for student loan payments. I am thinking, what’s next? I am month two into this and I just feel drained. I lack a drive and desire to do things. Be social. Have fun. I feel like everything goes back to money. I don’t want to drink because I don’t have money. I don’t want to drink because  am on a diet.  I don’t have money because I am spending $1000 a month on debt repayment. I want to be skinny but can be fucked to eat right buuuut my weight is wearing on my self confidence. There is always fucking something that limits me … and you know what guys, that something is me. That something is my intentions. That something is an unwillingness to go it alone and explore Edmonton for what it really has to offer.

In light of signing my lease for another year. And officially staying in Edmonton for awhile – I have decided to give it my all.  Because I know that debt repayment is happening I can now set my intentions on other things like – weigh-loss, building a social community, developing my creative space online via this blog, Instagram and twitter and just being here. This is a huge shift. This means maybe reworking my schedule, maybe feeling uncomfortable, maybe learning to not let my anxiety take over my life. But there is only one person that can change things and that person is me. Sometimes you need to change up the routine, apply for new jobs, work on your passion projects and really see the fruits of your labor.

With that in mind I want to know from you:

Are you in love with your life? How did you make that happen? Could you have more? How are you challenge yourself to be happier?

LEAVE ME SOME LOVE IN THE COMMENTS &

PLEASE FOLLOW ME – HELP ME GROW MY COMMUNITY!

XOXO,

C

My Favorite Murder

People are fucked up.

I have noticed recently a whole lot of podcasts, youtube channels and creative content that surrounds murder. Maybe because I am just into podcasts – a lot – lately or maybe because  – there are lots and lots and lots of cases and stories of murder in America (Canada & USA and I’m sure lots of other places in the world).  I am actually blown away by the amount of cases of murder in the USA. How does it even happen? I am also sickly interested in the darker side of America.  I guess we are all a little bit like that – just innately curiosity about people that have the inner violence and the capability to commit such crimes.

With the crazy interest in reality TV it is no surprise that murder podcasts and radio in general are such a hit. It is in fact reality.

Anyway – if you are a podcast listener, a murder fan and an rubber neck about gruesome events you should totally listen to my favorites podcast for this week:

My Favorite Murder.

Seriously Friends, Karen and Georgia = hilarious. Basically the two come together for a length podcast where they two bring their favorite story of the week. Generally they are themed to some capacity.  But they discuss crimes that have happened in the USA and Canada. They go through the event, and do a tell all of the particular murder. There shock and horror for each event ceases to be anything less than hilarious. They truly bring a laughter to your eardrums. I am totally hooked and a hardcore murderino.

Let me know if you are listening so we can talk about it.

And in the wise words of Karen & Georgia – Stay Sexy and don’t get murdered,

xoxo,

C

a change in business …

Quite a few months ago I wrote about #girlboss the book written & inspired by Sophia Amoruso. I can’t say I ever shopped at Nasty Gal but I am very interested in Women entrepreneurs and the vague and intriguing idea of making money online. I am truly inspired and curious by how these online entrepreneurs go from zero to everything leveraging the internet.

I really enjoyed a lot of what she had to say in the book. I was less inspired by the fact that she stole things to sell in her fledgling store. However, she went from nothing to highest paid female billionaire in American powerhouse in 10 years (well maybe not exactly that but – you know – something amazing). She has won awards for netbased entrepreneurial things and a powerful woman in terms of what woman can do with the right mind set.  I guess a true success story.

This last week while watching a content creator  Brittany Balyn on YouTube, she was talking about the bankruptcy of Nasty Gal. Well actually she was talking about the 70% off sale. But, I was more interested in the decline of Nasty Gal.  I felt like I was living under a rock, where have I been?  If you don’t know – Sophia Amoruso is the creator of Nasty Gal clothing company. It was one of the fastest growing online clothing companies; it was born out of selling vintage clothing on eBay. A little online searching led me to see that Ms. Balyn was actually right and  Nasty Gal filed for bankruptcy sometime in November 2016.

There are two things I want to discuss from this event:

  1.  I originally was writing this post because I was all like WTF?! Sophia Amoruso is done. Then I realized that actually there is a whole new  #girlboss situation.  I caught wind of the podcast she now hosts. And now I have something new to listen to at work because I am not a Girl boss yet but I’m well on my fucking way. Also, a podcast with her chatting with other prominent female business people in the USA in mega interesting to me. So take away number one – the company went under but I learned about a super inspiring new podcast
  2. The crash of business as we once new it. That is take away #2.  I never went to business school, nor do I understand that much about the business world. But I find it increasingly interesting that the most random of companies have closed their doors due to the development of the internet and modern day shopping. The change is in how we acquire products like movies, tv & music but also how we shop for full retail products online instead of at locations. There has been a huge movement to go back to a simpler time; with more locally sourced products. Which is by far a different world than the internet obsessed  world we currently live in. Are we witnessing the demise of modern day business when bustling online retailers are failing too?.

 

What do you guys think about this new business? Have you noticed a change in the kind of retail available in your area? or online? Are you even an online shopping or do you refuse?

Comment below, lets talk about this!

XOXO,

C