Confession: I have been writing posts then promptly deleting them.
Lately, my anxiety has been super bad. Bad enough that I read up on psychedelic drugs use for mental health healing. If you know me at all – you know that I have zero problem with this. It’s not a far stretch for me to consider this – however, my research tells me that this treatment has only work for people that have had a crazy trip. And – if I am being honest psychedelics were never really my thing. Don’t get my wrong – I love a boogie. But I just chose different things. So I haven’t reached a point where I have turned to this. But I have noticed my stress and exhaustion have led to my face numbness again – that means stress, exhaustion and over worked.
(In case you are wondering – why the fuck I don’t take care of myself ?? – I recently booked a few weeks off of Starbucks to try and figure some shit out. I will still be working my full time job.)
The thing is I am putting undo stress on myself for fabricated reasons and fear. I have become hermited in my fear. I also have become not that interesting because I am not really doing much because I work all the time. I don’t have a lot to talk about because let’s face it – no one wants to hear about your work in a social setting.
Last night – I was having a conversation with someone – and it boiled down to this – I know what to do. I am just not doing it. I have let work take over my life, take over my health and take over my existence. I am constantly jealous of what I think is other people’s freedom. So I wonder to myself – what is that cost of my freedom? What do I need to do to achieve it?
I know my freedom will cost around 60k. The sum of my debts. But getting there is a lot of work. A lot of fucking work. At which I am sacrificing a lot of other things.
I think I come back to the same things, over and over again. And I realize that I need to figure out how to let myself have a better balance. I need to chose my priorities. I can’t in fact have everything as a priority because there isn’t enough time. So, is debt repayment my focus? Is weight loss my focus? Is creating a business my focus? Is forging new friendships my focus? Is relationship building my focus? Because clearly I don’t have the time or energy to do all of these things.
In life, we try things. Sometimes those things don’t work the way we want them to. So we get up and try again. I have been late bloomer my entire life. Nothing new there. I spent a long time (all of my 20ies) trying not to feel because of a dubious upbringing and background. I have forever thought I was not good enough and I wasn’t worth it. And sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I go back to that dark place. I forget who I have become – that I have all sorts of wonderful things. And that the universe is giving me exactly what I need. Right now the universe is teaching me a lot of things.
Instead of analyzing it to death I decided step up, step out and get myself back on track. I also need to figure out what that mysterious thing is suppose to look like. Does it involve a tiny home? Does it involve a husband? Kids? Travel? My own business? Do I live in Costa Rica? Bali? What am I working so hard for? When will I publish my book?
What is on your goal list? How are you going about achieving it?
PS; if you were reading a few weeks back when I was talking about my fun things to do – I officially signed up for rowing starting May 9th, 2017!