Guys, I was on a March Madness roll – but then I got really, really tired and had to take a break. I was feeling depleted of creative thought and really just wanted to sleep. Last night was night two of go to work, come home, eat a snack and pretty much lose focus on any form of human connection and get lost in a binge watching mess of CraveTV, Netflix and YouTube.
My anxiety got so bad that my back started seizing up, my gums started to burn and I couldn’t do anything but shower, throw on my sweatpants and lounge in my bed. If I am being honest I didn’t even attempt the couches – I was just to fucking tired.
I have been feeling lonely and unmotivated lately. You know you want to do all these crazy adventurous things but you stand in your own way. Anyway – this reality got me thinking about the choices we make creating our own reality. Because while there are a lot of things that are out of our control – there are plenty of things that we can control.
Everything is a choice. Sometimes in life we attached stories to justify things that happened. Instead of just being brutally honest about the facts. No excuses. Just reality.
Lets take a look at this: I chose to attend university, I chose my major. I chose to live my life with reckless abandon. Trust in everyone, and live my life as if I didn’t have 30K of debt hanging over my shoulders. I moved to Korea thinking I would pay my loans off. After I got there, that reality got lost in travel around Asia. After traveling awhile and working contract jobs. I decided I needed to retrain. More loans, More education. More things that weren’t actually my dream. I chose it all. Now as I settle into adult life – the debt scale is larger, I am killing myself to pay for the last 10 years and I have deemed myself unworthy of friendships, relationships and life because I have gained weight and I am in debt. I project those feelings on other people. I created it all.
I am hard on myself. I feel like I am unworthy of a lot of things. I have let other people project their realities on me. When in fact I am completely capable of something more. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be debt free because that will make me feel free, I put a lot of pressure on myself to wake up tomorrow lighter, thinner, more vegan. I put a lot of pressure on myself to go on dates and try and meet people – when the reality is I really need to do a better job of loving myself.
Today I decided to think more clearly about my goals, my motivation and my drive. What does success look like? How can I make choices for Edmonton that make me less exhausted, more connected to source, to nature and to humans?
So as we roll out to the end of march – I am re-budgeting, reformulating goals, and getting ready to set myself up for a successful summer. Because Friends, that is the thing with goals, and life … some times you need to reevaluate, stop making excuses and move forward.
How have you combated the harsh realities of adulting?