When you up & decided your goals aren’t working …

Guys, I was on a March Madness roll – but then I got really, really tired and had to take a break. I was feeling depleted of creative thought and really just wanted to sleep. Last night was night two of go to work, come home, eat a snack and pretty much lose focus on any form of human connection and get lost in a binge watching mess of CraveTV, Netflix and YouTube.

My anxiety got so bad that my back started seizing up, my gums started to burn and I couldn’t do anything but shower, throw on my sweatpants and lounge in my bed. If I am being honest I didn’t even attempt the couches – I was just to fucking tired.

I have been feeling lonely and unmotivated lately.  You know you want to do all these crazy adventurous things but you stand in your own way. Anyway – this reality got me thinking about the choices we make creating our own reality. Because while there are a lot of things that are out of our control – there are plenty of things that we can control.

Everything is a choice.  Sometimes in life we attached stories to justify things that happened. Instead of just being brutally honest about the facts. No excuses. Just reality.


 Lets take a look at this: I chose to attend university, I chose my major. I chose to live my life with reckless abandon. Trust in everyone, and live my life as if I didn’t have 30K of debt hanging over my shoulders. I moved to Korea thinking I would pay my loans off. After I got there, that reality got lost in travel around Asia. After traveling awhile and working contract jobs. I decided I needed to retrain. More loans, More education. More things that weren’t actually my dream. I chose it all.  Now as I settle into adult life – the debt scale is larger, I am killing myself to pay for the last 10 years and I have deemed myself unworthy of friendships, relationships and life because I have gained weight and I am in debt. I project those feelings on other people. I created it all.

 

I am hard on myself. I feel like I am unworthy of a lot of things. I have let other people project their realities on me.  When in fact I am completely capable of something more.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to be debt free because that will make me feel free, I put a lot of pressure on myself to wake up tomorrow lighter, thinner, more vegan. I put a lot of pressure on myself to go on dates and try and meet people – when the reality is I really need to do a better job of loving myself.

Today I decided to think more clearly about my goals, my motivation and my drive. What does success look like? How can I make choices for Edmonton that make me less exhausted, more connected to source, to nature and to humans?

So as we roll out to the end of march – I am re-budgeting, reformulating goals, and getting ready to set myself up for a successful summer. Because Friends, that is the thing with goals, and life … some times you need to reevaluate, stop making excuses and move forward.

How have you combated the harsh realities of adulting?

xoxo,

C

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2 thoughts on “When you up & decided your goals aren’t working …

  1. I really need to do a better job of loving myself. – struck me!

    I’ve been having a tough go but I’ve been dulling the harsh realities by being really patient with myself. I’m only giving myself one home task a day. If I choose to reorganize my entire bathroom is treated the same way as if I do a load of laundry. I’m also giving myself rest breaks and doing things that make me feel good. Binge watching iZombie doesn’t but devouring ebooks does so in spite of the fact that both involve quality couch time and cups of tea 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I forget to cut myself some slack & relax. Yesterday night I made the decision to book a couple weeks off my part time job. So I will have a few free weekends and evenings coming at me. I am pretty proud of myself for admitting I need a break. It’s hard to do. I think I need to try and do less things.

      Like

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