Do you keep fighting for a better life or give up for something more realistically mediocre?

This.

I can’t stop thinking about this the last little while. I don’t know what is wrong with me. It is like I have lost all sense of self worth. I keep replaying that conversation in my head from 10 years ago when someone I was close to said to me: “I see you still think you are going to have an amazing life, I have realized that I will just live a mediocre life”  … it stung. Like I lived in this hopeless dream world and that I would amount to nothing. So I often wonder – am I trying too hard to be something I will never be? Should I just settle in my life realizing that I will never have things I really want?

See a couple days ago a super good friend of mine told me I care too much about paying off my student loans and that I should pay the minimum and move on. I didn’t say anything at the time but I totally disagree. But then I realized I reek of poverty. I always have. My money stress is written all over my expression and my anxiety and my everything.

I feel vomit brewing in my throat and a slow nausea forming over my body – realizing how poor you really are is terrifying – but necessary to grow out of it, grow from it – build.

I just want my fucking break. I just want the universe to give me a goddamn break and stop making everything so fucking hard.


 

That was me a few months ago – feeling stressed. Today I decided to clean out my drafts folder on my blog. Most of what I was reading was me talking about how I don’t want to do this life anymore. But I promised myself that I needed to be at my full time job for at least 2 years. I promised myself I wouldn’t find a new job until I got my wisdom teeth out.

But a couple of weeks ago I finally did it, I finally got my wisdom teeth pulled  – and while I was in my T3 Coma  a job interview application can through that has provided me an offer that would start at exactly my 2 year mark at full time job. Is that a sign? I asked the universe for a sign and she delivered.

I had been putting off getting my bottom two teeth out for almost 10 years. Mostly because dental insurance only comes with a decent job and I didn’t have that until know, also because I didn’t have the money. It is interesting to me that I needed to wait all this time to get my teeth pulled because without insurance it would’ve cost about $1000 and now that I have more money and a job with insurance it cost me $233! How fair is that ?? Is this what it is like to be in the 1%  (FYI: I am not that person – just referring to the ease that comes with more money). It is definitely nice to be in a position to take care of these things.

The thing is, I have a lot of decisions to make now. There has been an opportunity that presented itself. And while I don’t believe in right or wrong decisions – I do believe that that universe opens door that you should take. Sometimes the doors of opportunities seem lackluster and a fight and are not inline with your passion  – you don’t get the job or the guy or whatever it is because it isn’t right but then when you are ready – you get offered a dream,.

This job doesn’t offer me the world but I think it offers me more freedom. And one thing I think I am lacking is freedom. So I am off making a pros and cons list – trying to figure out what the answers and how to chose a better life for myself. Because I know that person settled for mediocrity, they made a choice and that choice I never have to make.

 

 

Is there a price tag on your freedom?

There is a lot swirling in my head today. I mean  – a lot. It’s like have a million tabs open and being so excited to dive into all of them but I can’t pay attention long enough to read a full article and I just keep opening new tabs. That’s how I feel today.

I slept in this morning; not on purpose. I have been finding it happening a lot lately. I’m losing interest in my job. I have also lost my gusto to work somewhere that I feel under appreciated. I’m exhausted. I work a lot, therefore I am tired a lot, but also I take on a lot of projects because I just feel like I need to create something. I am determined to create something. I am determined to have more. I do not have to let my past life define my current life.

I think it is super important to talk about freedom. Because right now, in my current life, I feel like I don’t have a lot of it. I feel like I am somewhat trapped in a place that I don’t really want to be. And, I just have a hard time accepting things because it is  something I am “supposed” to do.  I have never felt that in my life. I mean you don’t end up half way around the world camped out in a hostel without really living outside the box a bit.  Recently though, I discovered that there is a price tag on freedom. See a good friend of mine recently moved back to Korea. And while I realize that I could do that too, I also realized that my life wouldn’t be the same if I moved to Korea. It wouldn’t be the same because there is a price tag on my freedom. That prices tag is around $42,000.00 give or take a few dollars.

It is a huge burden. And, its holding me back. I have other friends in my life that moved abroad to teach and  obsessively talk about paying off there loans. I don’t know any one that successfully paid off there loans while living abroad teaching. (if you are one of those people – holla below!)  I knew it would never happen making minimum wage. And I know first hand 3 jobs can be a bit of a demon. Two is soul sucking enough and not really a long, long term plan.

I know nothing comes easy, there is no quick fix to all of this drama. There is no such thing as the 4 hour work week. we need to hustle – but I think it might be about picking the right hustle. Just for a moment in my adult life I want to feel what it is like I have some financial freedom?

Do you feel like there is a price tag on your freedom? How much is it?

What are you doing to change it?

 

pulling yourself out of an anxious rut

Confession: I have been writing posts then promptly deleting them.

Lately, my anxiety has been super bad.  Bad enough that I read up on psychedelic drugs use for mental health healing. If you know me at all – you know that I have zero problem with this. It’s not a far stretch for me to consider this – however, my research tells me that this treatment has only work for people that have had a crazy trip. And – if I am being honest psychedelics were never really my thing. Don’t get my wrong – I love a boogie. But I just chose different things. So I haven’t reached a point where I have turned to this. But I have noticed my stress and exhaustion have led to my face numbness again – that means stress, exhaustion and over worked.

(In case you are wondering – why the fuck I don’t take care of myself ?? – I recently booked a few weeks off of Starbucks to try and figure some shit out. I will still be working my full time job.)

The thing is I am putting undo stress on myself for fabricated reasons and fear. I have become hermited in my fear. I also have become not that interesting because I am not really doing much because I work all the time. I don’t have a lot to talk about because let’s face it – no one wants to hear about your work in a social setting.

Last night – I was having a conversation with someone – and it boiled down to this – I know what to do. I am just not doing it. I have let work take over my life, take over my health and take over my existence.  I am constantly jealous of what I think is other people’s freedom. So I wonder to myself – what is that cost of my freedom? What do I need to do to achieve it?

I know my freedom will cost around 60k. The sum of my debts. But getting there is a lot of work. A lot of fucking work. At which I am sacrificing a lot of other things.

I think I come back to the same things, over and over again.  And I realize that I need to figure out how to let myself have a better balance. I need to chose my priorities.  I can’t in fact have everything as a priority because there isn’t enough time. So, is debt repayment my focus? Is weight loss my focus? Is creating a business my focus? Is forging new friendships my focus? Is relationship building my focus? Because clearly I don’t have the time or energy to do all of these things.

In life, we try things. Sometimes those things don’t work the way we want them to. So we get up and try again. I have been late bloomer my entire life. Nothing new there. I spent a long time (all of my 20ies) trying not to feel because of a dubious upbringing and background. I have forever thought I was not good enough and I wasn’t worth it. And sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I go back to that dark place. I forget who I have become – that I have all sorts of wonderful things. And that the universe is giving me exactly what I need. Right now the universe is teaching me a lot of things.

Instead of analyzing it to death I decided step up, step out and get myself back on track. I also need to figure out what that mysterious thing is suppose to look like. Does it involve a tiny home? Does it involve a husband? Kids? Travel? My own business? Do I live in Costa Rica?  Bali? What am I working so hard for? When will I publish my book?

What is on your goal list? How are you going about achieving it?


PS; if you were reading a few weeks back when I was talking about my fun things to do – I officially signed up for rowing starting May 9th, 2017!

words. branding. online badassery.

The fabulous world of the big bad web is all about buying into someone else’s product. If they have something you think you need and they have caught your eye, they have sold themselves and their product.

When you see what they are selling and think: “fuck yeah, that is going to work for me?”  You see their charisma, their charm, their everything and want to be it. Then you wonder how they created all sorts of online badassery? You are hooked, line and sinker. If you are anything like me, you wonder how they crafted such genius.

I have fallen into this trap SO MANY TIMES! Buying into someones product only to have it not work for me, most of the time failing. The thing is – these things don’t work for me for a million and one reasons but the biggest one is that person, that thing, that is their brand. While I am awesome in so many ways I am not their brand and I need to figure out my own persona, my own brand and my own me. Without a confident force of self to be reckoned with I think there will be no mass following. You need to deliver your awesomeness and not try to deliver someone else success filtered through you.

  1. I honestly think I just realized that I have been trying to find success through other peoples personas. In my works, in my relationships, in my friends, in my blogging and in my drafting. I need to rip off the fear band-aid and be unapologetically me. The only way it can ever work. The raw, blunt, funny, adventurous spirit that I am. The one that likes thrift-ed band tees and Birkenstocks. That person needs to learn how awesome she is and stop trying to figure things out based on what worked for other people.

You know lots of people boast on their YouTube or blog all about all the things they are amazing at – I struggle with that … I don’t want to feel like I am boasting so I don’t tell people I worked on 4 Continents.  That is not a lie, that is the truth. I often downplay and say I volunteered in Chile instead of saying I worked with the United Nations in South America. I see all these people shout all the amazing things they have done and it made me realize that it is all in the language, the approach and not apologizing for opening up doors for yourself. It is all how you present the material. You create that image with your words.

 WORDS ARE MAGIC!

How often do you confidently write about you and say to the world FUCK YEAH – I’m awesome?!

Yesterday night I popped by my parents and in a conversation with my Dad he said something he always says to me … that I have the same disease that he has wanting to explore. The difference between me and my father is this: I think calling yourself a disease is unhealthy, it doesn’t bring your confidence up – in fact it shows how little you value one of your biggest assets! Your sense of adventure, your need to be busy and your need to accomplish things and to learn. It is not a disease to want to learn, explore and adventure. It is doing yourself some disease by not pursuing a passion and by letting yourself be told what you need to do to have a life you don’t  want.

It is really, really hard to disassociate with comments people make. For the last decade I have dealt with all sorts of people telling me how I should go about living my life. And that I need this career and this desk job life and this security and the thing is … it’s boring as fuck. I am tired as hell of working 60 hours a week, I am tired as fuck serving coffee and working with immature entitled bitches. I am tired of this life I created for myself that isn’t really getting my anywhere. Holidays damn near financially break me. I am tired all the time. Life isn’t that fun and I am a goddamn hermit. What the fuck even is that?

All I have wanted to do for years is have my own thing, my own business, my own income and by golly I am going to fucking make it happen …. With all my potty mouthed eloquence.

So it is all how you market yourself, isn’t it?Are you marketing yourself a tired, washed up, low energy zombie and are you ready to face the big bad world on your own?

What words are you?

The Badlands.

20170521_195923Alberta had dinosaurs. 75 million years ago. Think about that for a minute. The province of Alberta … in Canada … used to be a roaming place for dinosaurs. I don’t actually know what interests me more – the thought of 75 million years ago or dinosaurs. It is mind boggling if you really consider that right here, there was once dinosaurs. It is hard to believe such a thing was even possible. I certainly never think of our land being that old. I mean Canada wasn’t confederated until 150 years ago and I always think of our landmass (Canada) developing around then but really – this chunk of land was once owned by some pretty rad land animals.

I have traveled in Drumheller, Alberta before and I knew that the badlands were bomb and I was in the mood for a little adventure.

Less than 24 hours in Drumheller isnt much time. We cruised out to the badlands Saturday afternoon; once it cooled down a but we headed over to the Rosedale suspension bridge. It is a mimic of an old coal mining bridge. The bridge is suspended over the Red Deer River – the current is trucking along quickly if you are brave enough to take a look down while crossing the bridge suspended over the river.  Once you hit the other side – there are few formations to climb to get a beautiful view of the land formations and the landscape surrounding the area.

20170521_184958

Then we headed another 7 kms down the hoodoo trail to explore the rare hoodoos. These are by far the coolest formation that I have some across on the prairies. They  look like giant mushrooms made out of soil. The are essentially an endangered species (if land can be that) – they are eroding at a rapid rate which is crazy but a part of nature. If you haven’t seen the Hoodoos yet – it is worth the trip.

We capped the day with a few beers at a local Irish pub (I have been really into the radler lately ) and then headed to our little motel in the badlands for the night.

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If I am being honest – it has been a long ass time since I got out and enjoyed life and got to explore some rad stuff. Thankfully it is just the begging of summer and there are lots and lots of Alberta gold mines to enjoy.

My summer plan is to stay on the trail and stay dirty.

If you have any cool travel suggestions for Alberta (interior BC or Saskatchewan) let me know below so I can try and check it out.

xoxo,

C

 

 

What does your Perfect work day look like?

You know when you feel the anxiety of change – you are unsure of how, where or when but something is coming. I have been feeling that lately. I am not sure what, where, when or how but there is a thing and I think it is coming at me. My intuition never fails.

The shift of new management in my Starbucks has me reconsidering my side hustle. A stronger than ever desire to work on myself, my weight loss and not working myself to death has me thinking about a lot of things.

Mostly, I want more Carol time.

Anyway you might remember I bought a copy of Jenny Blake’s Pivot awhile back (I was super excited). I haven’t actually had time to get into it very far because I have been busy just trying to tackle my life. I do that sometimes- spend a crap tonne on books and then it takes me years to get to them because I am busy watching True Blood or some others reruns – but mostly it just means I am too fucking tired to really read.

I wanted to do this book as a workbook like it is; actually do the steps. So I thought it would be fun to take you along on my manifestation of creating a career pivot.

pivot

Stage one is PLANT. Calibrating yourself.

It really is the question that we all forget to ask ourselves: If you could do anything in a day (money is no object) what would you do? How would you spend your time? What are you most excited about? What are you most proud of? What do you want more of? less of?  (Pivot pg 42)

Have you ever really sat down and thought about these questions? I mean we all sort of work because it is what we are suppose to do to support our lives. We go there and do the things we need to do so that we can bring home the money to support our lives.  I work a lot. I always have. More recently because I live where it is super expensive. But if I am being honest as soon as I have down time at work … I am doing this. I am writing. I am planning. I am trying to figure out what I can do for a business to make money online. I am looking for a way out. I am looking to spend less time making money for other people and more time making money for myself. I have tired lots and lots of things. Eventually something will pan out – but my point is – if I could do anything I would probably write. Or take photos. Spend my day exploring. Traveling. Loving. Reading. Getting more knowledge.

I am excited when I have readers, when people interact with me. I am excited when I budget and it works. I am excited when I write and people love it. I am most excited to create. I love cooking – meal prepping vegan food; trying new recipes.

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When I think about what I love to do and what I actually do  – they are clearly different. I am grateful I have time to factor writing into my day. I am thankful I don’t need to be creative on demand – but I am absolutely most excited about making things. So my question to myself is – how will I make what I enjoy doing into the great American dream – my job?

I can feel the winds of change. Somethings is brewing. Change is in the air. And here we are heading full force into change. What inspires you? What is your most favorite thing to do?

Comment below about career, making money and landing dream jobs – are you working yours? What are you doing to get there?

xoxo,

C

 

 

Money Diaries. #1

Sometimes money runs through my fingers like sand in a sieve … you know how it goes – it’s like all your shoes wear out in the same month. You need new (or new to you) clothing and everything (perceptions, glasses, shirts, bras – life stuff) all at the same impossible time. It is incredible frustrating. I read all sorts of how to handle your money but sometimes I think those articles are meant for people that maintain a certain level of affluence. I think it is called the latte something something

It has been awhile since we talked about money. The reality for me is that money sucks. Actually gracefully accepting my place in the financial scale makes it easier for me to figure out what I need to do to move forward. As you might know I took a few weeks off of Starbucks in April because I needed a break. I needed to push pause for a minute and catch my breath; align my expectations of myself and figure out what I want to do next.

Taking time off means less money – my budget has gone to shit. I stopped tracking my money. It is the same concept as weight watchers – you gotta track your bites or you don’t lose the weight. I need to track my spending or shit goes crazy.  And, Friends, shit has gone crazy. I need to plan my spending or things get out of control right quick. Some days I wonder if I will ever see the end to my student loan nightmare. The truth is I got tired of it and got distracted because it’s hard to build a life on no dollars.

So in financial news aka pending expenses: I got hit with an amount owing on my income tax. A couple of traffic violations and I need to update my address on my license and insurance. My wisdom teeth will be costing anything my insurance doesn’t cover. I need new glasses, contacts and an eye exam and last but not least I am getting another laser treatment this week on my tattoo. I am mega excited for getting a new tattoo for my birthday this coming December that will cover the spot I am lasering. So I will not make any of my targets for paying off my Alberta student loan any time soon. Gah. I step forward – 3 steps back. I have been good with my no buy with the exceptions of things I really needed.

My 3 big lessons are:

  1. Budget like a motherfucker.
  2. Track your Gawddamn Spending.
  3. Take Control.

In other news that affects my finances. I am trying to brush up on my English grammar because I am thinking about taking my CELTA so I can teach English in Canada.  And then replace Starbucks with teaching. This will cost money but likely make me more money in the long run (also allow me to consider a bit of a Bali teaching situation that has been on the bucket list for years). I am looking for higher paying full time jobs – albeit not that hard. August is my two year work-aversary … so perfect timing. Change is in the air but sadly this time not in my hair.

Anyway – the reason I write this out is in the hopes that you will take a step back  from your financial situation and realize that we all struggle with finances. It’s expensive as fuck to live in the Western world. People have debt and the truth is – none of it is good and the only way out is to plan it out, pay it off and show yourself some love. I have thought about selling everything and moving abroad again but I’m not there yet.

So with that friends, happy saving, happy spending and thankfully it is almost nice enough for picnics and strolls in the parks.

Good vibes,

C

Self Help: Are We Really That Broken?

Why do we let the world tell us that we need to fix ourselves?

I confess that lately I have been obsessed with Mark Manson. I know I come with a ball of baggage in my life. Don’t we all?  I mean social media kind of makes us all think that everyone else is perfect and then we start comparing and then start thinking we suck.  But the truth is – nobody’s life is as cool as it looks on Facebook.  But did we need a book to tell us that?

I love self help reads. Sometimes I get so lost in my head I need to see things in a different light. I really spent a long time avoiding my life. And in the last 4 years I have been working a lot at unraveling my inner self. Sometimes doing the work makes me right sad because I realize how unintentionally horrible I was to someone or I realize how many pedestals I handed to people for no reason or how much blame I put on other people because I am bored, sad, frustrated, solo, tired etc.

Lately I realized that reading most of these books teach you about finding your self worth. I mean maybe they don’t all say that but they all force you to look within – see what maybe wasn’t right in front of you and try to force you into fixing it. I have been doing a lot of that lately. I wonder though – does self help good intention force you into a negative space before you even begin.  I just wonder if things are as bad as we think they are? Or do we force ourselves to see flaws by trying to fix ourselves. Maybe we were never that broken.

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

 

You know – people endlessly ask me about teaching English abroad. It is honestly something I get asked about with a pretty constant frequency even though I haven’t lived abroad is 5 years. Teaching life is pretty fun. However inasmuch as you make fast friends – there is something amazing about have friends you don’t need to share you back story with. While getting to explore all the time is fucking amazing – constantly worrying about contracts and resigning or new jobs and new Cities and what you are going to do with your stuff – annoying. Fast fashion in a new Country and trying to fit in and cramming that shit into a backpack to start all over again. Draining your finances and savings (never mind wrecking havoc on your minimalist journey!).  There is always another side. People want to hear all about the adventures but never really consider the other stuff.

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. let it affect you or not.”

I often think about having my own business. I dream of being able to come and go as I please. I dream of traveling when I want  – Freedom to me means waking up and getting to do whatever I want each day. But sometimes I wonder if I am chasing an illusion. You know – it has been shoved down our throats that the path to success lies at the end of a successful homegrown company; that to achieve all sorts of freedom you need to break away for the 9-5 because 9-5 sucks.  There are endless books, webinars and people telling you that this is the way to happiness and success. This entire business is making you buy into self improvement.

But do we need it?

Lately I have been thinking about all these things I acquired to make my life sustainable in Edmonton. I have been thinking about the “stuff” needed to make myself normal. And I wonder if once you have opened your mind to other realities – can you bring yourself back to this reality – societies normal. I feel like I have been told I need to hang on to or attain all these things to find my own happiness but I am not sure if I will find the gold at the end of your rainbow – mine might point in another direction.

I mean am I walking advertisement for an overrated millennial? Or a younger hippie ? I don’t know. I mean all of us are just trying to figure out this crazy thing called life. And while we don’t think we aren’t influenced by the things we watch and the things we read. We are. We are told by the media what the way to success should be. We are spoon fed it and sometimes I hear myself giving the same media driving response because that is just they way things are supposed to be. (And yes – this even counts if you are reading or watching antimedia – you are still  been spoon fed societal opinions)  My new found adventure with Mark Manson is happening because it is the first book I have read in awhile that has said ’ you know what – sometime life gives you shit. But how are you going to deal with that?’ and the reality is – how the fuck are we going to deal with it?

So is self help just an industry like the rest – tell you you’re broken and you can fix yourself and these 5 books? Maybe. Maybe it is just our own fault for not questioning why we want things.

Do you read Self help? Are you on a journey to become better? How are you doing that?

Leave me some love below!

xoxo,

C

 

 

 

If I do this, then I get to do that …

I have finally gone and done it. I booked my appointment for the full extraction of my last two wisdom teeth. On May 29th I will finally get to tick this big thing off my list of health issues I need to deal with before I can think about my next move. Actually it isn’t that big of a list but the things on the list are big-ish. It is sort of like a Health and Wellness list.

When I initially moved to Edmonton I had also been considering a return to Seoul, South Korea. I was in a bind and I needed steady, consistent income to pull myself out of a bit of a financial pickle. I gave myself 6 weeks to find work in Alberta and if that didn’t happen teaching was going to happen. South Korea has always been my back up plan. By the grace of the universe I found work in Edmonton and have been working tirelessly to get myself back on track.  The thing is – I am back on track and now I am ticking the things of the Health and Wellness list.

Truth be told -I have had an irrational fear of getting my wisdom teeth out. I have no idea why I started living in fear but here we are in my late 30ies doing that fear thing that is so irrational. Sometimes I feel like I lacked the years in growing up and all the sudden I need to do all of this shit so fucking quickly. Maybe that just comes with being in your late 30ies. Sometimes I feel sad that I was so lost for so long; the wake up smack didn’t hit me till recently in a way I never saw coming. Now I am just questioning and judging and trying to figure myself out so I can figure out relationships and friendships. I digress.

There are a couple of other things on this list that I have started that aren’t complete. My lease is up in April of next year … so I have some investigating, planning and figuring out to do. But all of that is on the back burner while I actually just do some living, loving and some gawd damn self care.

My new questions in life are … how will this impact my financial well being and how will this affect my emotional and health well being? The answer is simple friends –  getting my teeth out will likely stop my mouth from hurting, jaw pain, headaches and such, my over all oral hygiene will be better and now that I have dental coverage this should not impact my  wallet too much – in fact doing it now will likely save me money later.

Are you on a journey of self improvement? What is on your “if I do this , then I get to do that” list?

Lets talk about it below!

xoxo, C

 

 

The bag of burritos I needed.

Truth: Even though I had a fairly great job situation in Calgary post SAIT I quit my job and moved to Montreal. I transferred with Starbucks to get me started and took my boho looking, dreadlock sporting self to the city of liberty and freedom and decided it was about time I make a life for myself.  My friend told me there were lots of jobs, and even though I hadn’t actually found anything online and had no response I packed my stuff, shipped my entire life and decided to make a go of it.

Truth: Montreal was the hardest 6 months of my life.

Truth: I struggled with my pay dropping to a quarter of what I was making in Calgary.  I struggled with transferring into a store that instantly and blatantly hated me because I had dreadlocks among other stupid reasons (sidenote: I later actually made some amazing friends and connections at that Starbucks – Monkland represent!). I was already feeling self conscious and that just wreaked havoc on my emotions and my state of mind. I struggled with sleeping on the hardwood floor for 6 months. My self worth was trapped in material possessions.  When I finally made the decision to leave Montreal my options were limited. I didn’t have any money. I was so fucked. My spirit and soul were crushed. Needless to say moving in with my sister and her family for a couple months changed my life. It propelled me to get where I needed to be.

Edmonton has been a lot of growing and progress; baby steps to a brighter future. However, because I moved here under those dire circumstances. Edmonton has always felt like a failure. That my life is a fail. I failed at Montreal. And that, right there, my friends is a lesson I just learned after almost 2 years in Edmonton.

I have felt like a failure in Edmonton because of the hiccup of time I spent in Montreal that crushed my soul.

It is funny how that works.

So while this might sound like a pity party. It is actually a blessing and a break through in my development as a human. I am so focused on why this (Edmonton) was a fail I have failed myself in seeing my success. I feel so profound in my discovery. Like someone has ripped off some blinders.

So how did I get here ?…. Mark Manson.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

Saturday. I read the entire book. It is fresh in my head so I am trying to implement as many of the lessons as I possible can. But the overarching theme is taking a look  at yourself and your self worth and basically working on yourself to become better for you and then others. I am not going to lie it sucks to realize that you are the root cause of all your problems. It sucks to realize that you are causing your own unhappiness from preconceived notions of yourself. But it makes me smile when I think about all the foolish pressure I have put on myself in the last couple of years because I have limiting beliefs about myself. My mind is fucking blown Friends. All the sudden I am peeling back the layers of destructive self hatred and attempting to lift some pressure from myself and work on my own happiness instead of placing that in other people’s hands and other peoples acceptance of me.

Truth: Sometimes I compare Carol today to Carol back then (not Montreal just happier times) to try and learn from the times in my life when I thought I was my happiest. The thing is. Those were times where I literally and wholeheartedly didn’t give a fuck about what anyone else thought. I never listened I just got on the plane and went. I went to Japan. I went to Korea. I went to China. I went to Chile. I went everywhere. I met amazing people. I didn’t give a flying fuck. I have realized recently I don’t actually want to live like that anymore. I like the stability of not having to figure out where I am going to move every year. I like knowing that my job still exist tomorrow. I don’t need visas and immigration and worrying about whether I can afford a visa run. I don’t have to save for my next flight – unless I truly want to. I think all that time I was searching for security and the only one that can provide that is me.

So today I commit to trying my best to stop that self deprecating behavior. Stop comparing myself to other people doing different things at different phases of their lives. And to just breathe. Because honestly I couldn’t of lived my 20ies any cooler than I did. I didn’t get where I am today but not chancing all those things …testing myself.  Learning that I can build a life where ever I go. Learning that people are selfish assholes and that most advice comes for their own personal experiences, drives, desires and failures. I commit to opening myself up to the possibilities of a wonderful life right here in this city – a place that has been so incredibly good for me, my bank account and my financial well being. I also commit to trying to stop interjecting my suggestions when people what to talk to me. My opinion doesn’t matter much.

So if your are reading this thinking – good gawd – know this – I feel like I am bursting with positivity because I unlocked a secret about my life or I finally figured something out. It is going to be a journey to a brighter Carol. It isn’t my first time pulling myself out of a mess. And I have the power to change everything. It’s a choice.

So Friends – are you trapped in a circle of negative behavior and thoughts? Are you trapped on the hamster wheel of self deprecating behavior and don’t know how to jump off? The sad reality is … it is a choice. Bad things may have happened to you but in the end you chose how you feel about it, how you internalize it or if and when it’s time to let go. You chose to stay. You chose to go. Everything is a choice. So you need to chose to not let past experience affect your current life. And it is hard as fuck. But I am sure as fuck it is going to be worth it.

And with that – all my Love and Self help magic vibes!

Stay dirty,

C